thoughts swim like lost fish, bob to the surface for a moment, then drift back down to the deep;
sleep is fitful, starting out with a hoodie and pants, ending in sweat and damp, still-dirty hair.
lots of sensory overload, too many noises lead to utter overwhelm. panic. that gulping feeling in my throat.
stay busy. I don’t stop. but then I get so tired. naps get “GUILTY!” verdict, gavel sounds.
throbbing headaches, waves of nausea, thoughts that zap, firing synapses. trouble remembering things, words catching on my tongue, tripping over my teeth. never the right word, the ONE perfect word I’d normally be able to grasp.
mistakes are made. unintentionally. hysteria ensues. shame. fear. self deprecation. feeling lonely. people don’t “get it” unless they’ve been there. at first I thought it was in my head, these symptoms. But when other people notice and comment…it means it’s not my imagination.
I need to be around people, and at the same time, find it difficult to be around people. It is hard to fake it. It’s hard to be a mom during all of this. The kids sense things, and I just tell them, “Mommy’s tired and not feeling well, but I’ll be okay.” Because that’s the truth.
I feel like a terrible mother especially. My husband doesn’t know how to help me or handle this “situation.” I don’t know what to tell him sometimes because not even I know what I need or want at any given moment. This is a roller coaster, and I want off. But I think this is just the beginning. I hope this is the hardest part.
**It’s amazing to me that a medication I’ve been taking for depression…can do such damage in the wean off. It is so very important that you are under a doctor’s care and supervision during this process. Do not EVER suddenly stop taking a medication without consulting your physician.**