Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.

18 Flares Twitter 12 Facebook 6 Buffer 0 Google+ 0 18 Flares ×

Both Robin Farr of Farewell, Stranger and Tracie Nall of From Tracie wrote posts entitled Things I’m Afraid To Tell You (hashtag #TIATTY on Twitter) and inspired me.  I read both yesterday. Robin and Tracie were incredibly bold and I thought to myself, “Crap, I can’t do that, but I sure want to.”

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Then I woke up today and thought “Why not just do it?” There’s no good answer to that question. So without further ado, here goes.

 

 

 

*I’m afraid to tell you that I went to graduate school because I didn’t know what else to do after college. I’m afraid to tell you that I nearly shit my pants every time I met with my advisor because I worried he was going to kick me out of the program. Every time I got called on in his early Brit Lit class (there were only 5 of us), I wanted to shrivel up and die.

*I’m afraid to tell you that in my master’s program, writing a thesis was optional if you weren’t going for your PhD. I wasn’t, so all I had to do was take comps. I passed. But I never wrote a thesis.

*I’m afraid to tell you that when I get very anxious I pick at my skin, especially all around my fingernails. I also hold my tension in my left shoulder, which often aches. Both of these things tend to happen when I am in public, at a party or some sort of social gathering. When I have to be “on.”

*I’m afraid to tell you I have a lot of peach fuzz on my face and whenever I’m out in the sun (in particular), I worry people are thinking, “Holy shit, she’s hairy!” (thank you Dad and PCOS)

*I’m afraid to tell you that I look at other women a lot and compare myself. Which only makes me feel badly. I should stop doing it. I’m not modeling positive behavior for my daughters.

*I’m afraid to tell you I’m in a funk and I’m not exercising. I don’t have the energy or the inclination right now. I’m afraid to tell you there are people in my life who don’t understand this and it’s impossible to explain. So instead I just seem like a slug to them. They keep nagging and they probably think I’m lazy. Instead, I am writing or talking to my friends on the computer. Which is another thing they don’t understand.

*I’m afraid to tell you I hate my feet. They are not cute or small or narrow.

*I’m afraid to tell you that sometimes for a little while after I take my meds (for anxiety & depression), I feel like my head is floating up and away like a balloon.

*I’m afraid to tell you that D and I are going on vacation next week and when I think about leaving the kids (baby especially), I feel like I cannot breathe.

*I’m afraid to tell you that I’m afraid of so many things. I don’t like living in fear. I can be brave sometimes, but other times I make lists of 25 Things I am Afraid of.

*I’m afraid to tell you that I worry I’ll end up alone and lost.

18 Flares Twitter 12 Facebook 6 Buffer 0 Google+ 0 18 Flares ×
This entry was posted in Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
  • http://www.fromtracie.com From Tracie

    I’m so glad you did it. (and you rocked it!)

    You don’t want to look at the skin around my fingernails right now (or ever, actually), because I do the same thing. I hold my tension on my neck and right shoulder.

    I’m pretty sure it is impossible to understand depression if you haven’t been through it. But when you are in a funk, you need to do what is best for YOU. If that mean you write and talk to computer friends to make it through the day, that is okay. 

    Even if it was just putting in time because you didn’t know what else you wanted to do, you got a Master’s Degree. That is a huge thing! I’m proud of you for making it through the program, thesis or not. 

    If you ever feel lost, just point your compass in my direction. I’ll help you find you. 

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Tracie,

      Thanks, sweetie! I wouldn’t ever have done this if I hadn’t seen yours. And I  may have to do a Part II!
      oxox

  • http://singedwingangelspad.com/ Angel Shrout

    Depression sucks and I am right there with you. Being ON all the time can make me ache all over. I wish I was as I am here in real life but actually I am pulled back and hate crowds. I am not a skin picker, but I do bounce my leg when I am nervous. I am afraid of never being enough, good enough, skinny enough, funny enough, small enough, talented enough.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Angel,

      You’re so right about be “being ON all the time.” And your last line? Describes me pretty well, too.
      ;-(

  • http://farewellstranger.com/ Robin @ Farewell Stranger

    Bravo, Erin. I knew you could do it. And you know what? I could say “me too” to almost every one of these. I didn’t have to write a thesis either. I compare myself. I hate my feet. I’m in a funk. 

    You are so not alone. :) 

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Robin,

      Then there are two of us! I bet your feet are cuter, though. I’m sorry you’re in a funk too—because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

  • http://twitter.com/GDRPempress Good Day, Reg People

    You know what? I knew you’d do this.

    I knew it.

    GO ERIN.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Empress,

      Thank you, Alexandra. Still trying to do one thing every day that scares me, like you said. Also, let me know what day you’d like to post so I can mark you down. Doesn’t have to be long. It can be whatever you want it to be. Feel free to say whatever you want that you can’t say at your own place.

      xoxoxo

  • http://www.gfunkified.com/ Greta

    I’m almost inspired to do this myself. Except it would probably end up being Things I’m Afraid To Tell You About My Parenting.

    You always put yourself out there, and I so admire that.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Greta,

      Perhaps we should start our own meme for that and others would follow suit? Whaddya think? I would totally do it…If I wasn’t the only one….and I don’t know how to do a Mr. Linky thing.

  • http://www.tidbitsqueenchaos.com/ Queen of Chaos Mom

    I compare, I am in a funk and I am now on meds. Just wanted you to know I can relate and you are not alone.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Queen of Chaos,

      Cheers to funks, meds, and female friends who can relate! HUGS to you.

  • http://www.misselaineouslife.com Elaine A.

    Don’t be afraid. 

    I do the same thing to my skin, especially on my thumbs.  My mother does it too.  I hate it. 

    But I love you. xo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Elaine,

      Me too! (about the thumbs) I can’t seem to stop. I got a mani yesterday and was mortified at what the nail tech must’ve been thinking. But maybe the mani will be incentive to stop picking, at least for a bit…

  • http://www.vidyasury.com/ Vidya Sury

    Hugs. I’ve gone through half of this at various times. Comparing is theoretically bad, but instinctive and human. Not letting it become a habit is the important thing. Oh yeah, easier said than done

    You’re very brave to write this post, Erin. I don’t think I have the guts to do it. Love you!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Vidya!

      Oh, I think I’m way past the comparison thing becoming a habit. It’s all I seem to do these days.

  • iampisspot

    I nodded along with most of your points.

    Your honesty is beautiful.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      iampisspot,

      thank you so very much. I pride myself on my honesty. i’m a terrible liar, anyway… ;-)

  • http://twitter.com/jenrenpody Jennifer Gaskell

    Erin, you are so brave.  I admire your honesty and your courage.  When I get anxious, I scratch my head.  That’s my physical cue to myself that my anxiety is rising.  Sometimes it’s so subconscious I hardly realize I am doing it. 

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Jen,

      I also twirl my hair and tie it in knots. It drives my husband crazy. And same here—most of the time I have no idea I’m even doing it!

  • http://www.thejackb.com/ The JackB

    I miss feeling free to write these lists like this. There is something very brave about it.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      JackB,

      What makes you feel not so free (I do not mean this to sound like a feminine hygiene commercial, I swear)?

  • http://twitter.com/ksluiter Kate Sluiter

    Let me tell you something.  My Masters program didn’t have us do a thesis.  We did a “capstone experience.”

    So not a thesis.

    I don’t like to tell people that either.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      OMG, KATIE!!

      yay! You have no idea how much better I feel. non-thesis writers unite!
      xoxoxo

  • http://aidandonnelleyrowley.com/ Aidan Donnelley Rowley

    I love this so much. Incredibly real and powerful. Linking to you in the “Oh, and…” section of my blog tomorrow :)

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Aidan,

      I love your comment so much! I’m sorry for my tardy response, we are out of town on a kid-free vacation! If you linked to me, thank you. I’m behind in my reading, but will catch up soon!
      ;-)

  • http://withjustabitofmagic.com Jackie

    You are so strong and brave and I can’t believe that you are afraid because you took a giant leap and shared everything with all of us. That is brave.

    We all get stuck in a rut, worry about leaving our kids, and have all those little idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. Just know that everything will be fine.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Jackie,

      You are so sweet. Looking back on this post, I guess the things I posted aren’t that big of a deal. Maybe it’s something about sharing them or posting them that makes them less scary?

  • Arnebya

    Narrow feet are NOT all they’re cracked up to be! I can’t find shit that fits ever without a ball of the foot insole or heel pad. You are so incredibly brave to do this. I want to, but some of the things I truly need and want to say are not mine alone to tell as they involve my husband as well and some things, I suppose, are not to be discussed. I pray for it all to work out eventually positively so that I can then vent the fuck out of it all. I hold tension in both shoulders. I currently look as though I’m sporting a not so flattering hunchback. I don’t feel like I learned a damn thing in my Master’s program that only required a capstone, no thesis. It damn sure isn’t helping me find a new job but those bastards sure do still want their money.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Arnebya,

      I apologize for my late reply, I am catching up. I have many more things I could add to this list, but like you said—they are not all exclusively mine to share. And then where are the boundaries with blogging/social media/sharing? Sigh.  I’m so relieved that you and other commenters here didn’t have to write a thesis either. And it didn’t help me in the job world, that’s for sure. Not that it matters since now I’m a mom and my resume will look even more pitiful after several more years of staying at home……

  • Matty Matty

    And I’m afraid to tell you that I haven’t been around for a while, and thought I would spontaneously stop by to surprise you.  Glad to see you are still writing bravely.  It’s great to see you and your family are doing well.  Keep being yourself Erin.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Matty,

      Oh, how I enjoyed this surprise and it was so glad to “see” you! I try to write bravely…as much as possible. It’s challenging sometimes because I hold in so much fear. But I keep at it. Thank you for taking the time to stop in and say hi, Matty! I miss you!

  • http://twitter.com/literalmom Missy Bedell

    I’ve been so busy and haven’t been catching up on my blog reading.  So glad I did for this one – what a great post – took a lot of guts, Erin!  Big hug.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Missy–

      NO worries, hon. We are all busy, especially this time of year. It’s impossible to keep up. Thanks for the hug—I needed it, badly. Can’t wait to host you Friday—post will go live in the wee hours of Friday morning and I will start tweeting , linking, & Facebooking it as soon as I get up that morning (you feel free to start sooner since I am on vacay!). SO excited to have you!

      xoxoxo

  • http://mamawantsthis.com/ Alison@Mama Wants This

    That was incredibly brave, honest, raw and I’m glad you wrote this. 

    I hope you’re enjoying your vacation and the kids will be great!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Alison,

      Vacation is great (except for sunburn) and I’m glad you READ this!
      xoxoxo

  • http://onevignette.com/ Leah (@OneVignette)

    What’s so touching about what you’re afraid of is how unbelievably similar a lot of your fears are to many of ours. It’s brave of you to do this–but what a way to, once again, make us realize that we’re not really that alone in our worries (you keep making me thank you for this stuff, you know?!). I do hope you have an awesome time on vacation, if a parent of little ones is ever allowed to actually relax (hardeehar!).

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Leah,

      I am on vacation now (hence the late reply), and I can say I have relaxed some. I miss the kids, but this has been so nice.

      And I’m grateful to know I’m not alone in my fears. ;-)

      THank you so much—for reading, commenting, and letting me know I’m not the only one.

  • http://www.mayorgia.blogspot.com/ Mayor Gia

    Very brave to post!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thanks, Gia!