the first and the last

Posted on July 15, 2012 by erin

it feels like the first time.

the first time holding a chubby baby in my arms. rolls and dimples and bits of her last meal hiding in the folds of her neck.

lost in her soft sighs and murmurs, feeling her warmth, her heartbeat. nuzzling her, covering her in noisy kisses. gazing at her baby feet in wonder and utter delight. the way she constantly curls her toes slays me. her sweaty, matted hair when she wakes from a nap, tangled in her blanket.

(really it is the first time because last time there was too much juggling. never a chance to stop and relish anything. i could never stop. two babies always needing, always fussing, always wanting me–but never enough of me to go around)

but Piper…is nearly nine months old. soon she won’t want so much snuggling. she’s off crawling, exploring, chasing her puppy dog’s tail. with her cute tushie up in the air.

i’ve been excited to teach her everything.

but i feel time slipping away.

she’s the last. our last baby.

she’s busy watching her big sisters. clapping her hands, smiling with her bottom two teeth, doing the caterpillar crawl.

i want to hold her close all the time. i can’t get enough.

she holds her own bottle now. soon it will be a sippy cup and she won’t need me for anything.

the time is flying. i am grasping at the hands on the clock of her babyhood and begging them to slow down.

please slow down. for the first and the last.

my first, my last. my last chance at motherhood.

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  • http://twitter.com/sellabitmum Tracy Morrison

    Oh I love this. I feel the same about my Astrid who will be 3 next week. I love and cherish every single moment of her where I really never felt like I did with the other two..because I know she is it..and now also ridiculously spoiled. lol xoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Tracy,

      Can I first say that I cannot wait to meet with you (& sleep with you) in a few weeks? SQUEEEEEEE! Also….Piper is already spoiled. I feel kinda bad about it…but is that a common thread among youngest kids (I am a first-born child and always resented the way my younger brother was spoiled, le sigh).

  • http://twitter.com/gfunkified Greta Funk

    Yep. I feel exactly like this, and it breaks my heart sometimes. I’m excited for the baby to get bigger so things will be a little easier, but I’m also very sad that I’ll never have another one.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Greta,

      I know…I just had my tubes tied. So I have a mixed bag of emotions going on. PS more importantly? What are you wearing to the Madonna concert?

  • http://www.lateenough.com/ Alex@LateEnough

    I struggle with the idea of N being my last. She’s so big now (3 years old) and I didn’t think of her as the end but now we are trying to figure out if she is. {sigh}

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Alex, 

      I am struggling too. I just had my tubes tied (hence all of the guest posts/bloggy hiatus) and I still just….I don’t know. It’s hard. I hear your sighs. And I know. I know.

  • http://twitter.com/ashleytaylor76 The Dose of Reality

    I totally hear you on this one. It is so much harder when it is your last and you know it because you want to take it all in every single minute of the day. Beautiful post. It made me wistful.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Ashley,

      Thank you, friend. Your comment made me feel like I was wrapped in a warm hug, which is just what I needed. Wistful, yes. That is the precise word.

      xoxox

  • http://www.theworthingtonpost.net/ Aliza

    I am absolutely determined to keep my youngest (now 8YO) as dependent on me as possible.  I am willing to pay for his therapy later.  :)  This was absolutely beautiful and I cannot tell you how much I relate.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Aliza,

      LOL! I think we’ll all be paying for lots of therapy. Oh well. I’m in therapy too. I don’t think there’s such a stigma attached to it anymore. I’m so pleased you relate and am grateful you stopped by to read.

  • Sara at Saving For Someday

    Beautifully said, Erin. As my daughter approaches the double digits, I continue to take time for the hugs and snuggles knowing I’ll have to beg harder to get them as the years move on. But as someone who called her mother “mommy” until the day she died (I was 21), I know it’s possible to have a relationship between a mother and daughter that evolves but doesn’t have to lose those snuggly times (when I was home from college, first thing I’d do is snuggle up with my mom in bed and watch TV), or those times when a Mother’s hands gliide down her daughter’s face and a kiss on the forehead and a “you are so beautiful” is said with genuine love and belief.

    As a tell my daughter, even when she’s a mom with babies (after she finishes graduate school) she will always be MY baby. And since I have only one child she knows she’s doomed to a life of mom-kisses.

    Thank you for sharing this, Erin.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Sara,

      That sounds incredible and amazing. I guess I am not as much of a snuggler with my own mom. I should probably work on that. I am sorry for your loss at such a tender age…my mom continues to be a source of inspiration for me and I’m lucky to have her in my life—and my kids are lucky as well.

      Thank YOU for reading this, Sara. xoxo

  • http://twitter.com/juliecgardner Julie Gardner

    I think you know how I feel about this.

    (You do, right? You know that I never got over not having a third?)

    Enjoy every single first and last of it, Erin.

    You (and Piper) deserve it.

    XO

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Julie,

      I do know. And I am enjoying it. It’s bittersweet. It’s hard to even put into words.
      PS my tubes have officially been tied since I’ve been on this blogging hiatus. And along with that? Some sad feelings, but also closure….

  • Pamela

    Beautiful post. As my own children move through high school, I can’t help but think about how quiet the house will be in three years.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Pamela. I know one day when our house is quiet it will be a very different place as well. I should probably treasure the noise more often than I do!

  • http://mamawantsthis.com/ Alison

    I’m loving on my 2 month old this very second. Actually, every second of the day because I know he’s my last. Sigh. Beautiful post, Erin.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thanks so much, Alison. The last is bittersweet. And like I just commented to Renee above, of course it will be nice to be done with diapers and when she can feed herself without rubbing food in her hair, etc…but at the same time, snuggling with a warm, sighing, happy chunky baby is just the medicine this depressed mama needs some days.

  • http://twitter.com/RASJacobson Renee Jacobson

    I must be so weird because I grow happier and happier the older my son gets. I did not dig those baby years. I feel a little sad because everyone seems to love them so much, but I was lost to undiagnosed PPD, and I was just in ruins. I look back at the person I was then and I don’t ever want to be that person.

    But.

    I’m so glad that you are cherishing your third.

    And you should.

    Why wouldn’t you?

    Hold on to her because soon she’ll be off to school and then overnight camp.

    It happens so fast, the wings part.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Renee,

      Don’t get me wrong—I will be pleased when there are no more diapers to change and when she can feed herself and when nap time won’t box us in so much. I feel those things, too. But somehow the sadness—-knowing this is our last…has caught me a bit by surprise. Despite the PPD and struggling and the meds….there is nothing like snuggling a happy, sweet, chubby baby. She’s been medicine for me some days. And on other days? Not so much. But this post caught me on a good day. 

  • Tara_pohlkottepress

    sigh.  you explain this tug so well.  my daughter is the last, and as she was the miniture bride for my brother-in-law’s wedding this weekend, i saw life trip away all the way to her wedding day.  those moments make you want to hold your breath and never let go.  such a painfully beautiful moment you’ve captured.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Tara,

      Thank you for your compliments, they mean a lot to me coming from you! And yes to holding your breath. I feel like I can’t breathe at all much these days.

  • http://www.misselaineouslife.com Elaine A.

    I feel this way with K ALL the time. And she is nowhere near a baby anymore. But she’ll always be mine. xoxo

    • Erin Margolin

      elaine,

      good to know we feel similarly…counting the HOURS til i see you!

  • Gooddayregularpeople

    You could have ten twenty thirty children, and the last chance of mothering would still kill.

    It doesn” change, numbers don’t change a thing –  you watch the days fly by like a hyper speed  film short of calendar pages blowing away.

    • Erin Margolin

      Empress,

      love your analogy of the calendar pages. see you SOOOOOON!