I couldn’t resist linking up with Shell of Things I Can’t Say
for this meme about babies. It’s no secret that we struggled with infertility
and it took lots of Clomid, IUI, and finally two rounds of IVF
before we finally conceived our twin girls. I delivered Abby and Izzy the day after a huge snowstorm in December of 2005. They were born at 34 weeks, and as a result had to stay in the NICU for three weeks before they were ready to come home. Most of these pics are from that time period. Looking through old photos was emotional as well as frightening. I’m about to do this all over again, unexpectedly. In a little over three months we will welcome a third daughter home. And I’m thoroughly unprepared and anxious. I see myself in these pictures and it’s like another person—another time. Can I do this again?
Rockin' the Baby with Shell Things.
Rockin' Baby Izzy, 2 days old. Puffy but happy Mommy, Rockin' the hospital gowns.
They were so tiny. Four pounds each. I was terrified to hold them. Afraid I might crumple or snap them in two like a twig; but after everything we’d been through, I had to get over it, so I jumped in. I was so deleriously happy I barely remember the c-section pain because it was obliterated by my joy at their arrival.
Rockin' Baby Abby, 3 days old. After my first shower, I shed the gowns in favor of preggo pajamas.
Fortunately neither of the girls required oxygen, but the rest of the tubes were intimidating (feeding tubes and heart monitors).
Abby & I after a difficult nursing session.
Because the girls were premature, nursing was an uphill battle. They couldn’t get the latching thing down, they fell asleep at the wheel, and having two hungry babies to deal with at the same time was overwhelming for me to say the least. Despite help from lactation consultants, despite drowning in my own guilt and tears, I had to give up on the idea of breastfeeding. I pumped exclusively until the girls were about 3 1/2 months old.
Baby twins, snoozing away...(with feeding tubes)
Holding hands in Daddy's lap. Izzy on the left, Abby on the right.
Getting close to going HOME! Mommy feeling more human again!
Going home! December 31, 2005!!
And now, 5 1/2 years later? The familiar fears are resurfacing. I am pregnant with our third and last daughter, a complete miracle. Worried I won’t remember how to “do” this. Scared the nursing won’t work again. Nervous that I’ve forgotten how to change a diaper and bathe a slippery newborn. Not sure how I will juggle 5 year-old twins and kindergarten with a baby. Anxious about the delivery–will it be another c-section, or a VBAC? How long will it take my body to bounce back this time? Will the girls become jealous and even more demanding, or will they settle into the roles of big sisters with ease and be helpful to me?
Time will tell.