Redux: Giving Up the Good Girl

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**I’ve been having a bit of a dry spell here on the blog, so today I’m taking an old post & revamping it. Hope you enjoy! What do you do when your writing well runs dry, or you don’t have the time to write?**

I dream of fighting back. I dream of being reckless and bold and talking back. I dream of not being told what to do. I dream of giving up the good girl.

I dream of the day when I don’t stumble or fumble or lose faith in myself, my beliefs. I dream that you have no power over me. I dream that I know the truth. I dream that I know what happened. I dream that it’s tangible and can’t be taken away from me.

I dream of eating fresh guacamole with blue corn chips all day long and a giant margarita to wash it down with. I dream of the extra meat on my bones, a slightly softer rounded belly, one that was once home to my daughters. I dream of a time when I can honor my body and its scars and curves instead of judging it every time I pass a mirror.

I dream of a glass of wine and a notebook, black ink all over the middle finger of my right hand. In the middle of the night, alone. Just me and silence and crumbs on a dirty plate in the kitchen sink.

I dream of you and me and soul mates. And matching games and finding pairs and starting over again and again. I dream that I’m someone else for a few minutes. I dream that time is a gift only I can grant myself.

I dream of slumber parties and Light As a Feather and telling secrets. I dream of a gaggle of girls and staying up all night whispering and playing truth or dare.

I dream of a place where I can say what I want about whatever I choose. I dream of a time when there is no censorship. I dream of letting kids be kids and not worrying so much all the damn time. I dream that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I dream that who we are is more important than where we live, what color our skin is, where (or if) we went to school, and what jobs we have. I dream that even the smartest people can be stupid.

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I dream of my destiny. Of making a platform for myself. I stand on it; it’s built of old notebooks, my favorite novels, my best friends, memories, conversations, my family, love, strength, smiles, tears and laughter. Bits of my childhood self glued to the woman I am now.

I dream that I don’t have to know the exact destination in order to find it. I dream that I can trust myself to get there. I dream that I’m someone worth knowing. I dream that I’m someone worth loving. I dream that I’m someone you can take a chance on. I dream of winning. I dream of pennies in a fountain and long-lost wishes coming true.

I dream that you love me and see me. I dream that together we have unlimited potential.

I dream that we all make mistakes. I dream that we’re forgiven. And that forgiveness comes easily, but not too easily.

I dream that I have a soul full of ladybugs. I dream of the night standing in your backyard with sunflowers towering over me. I dream of a drunken sailor ripping one from its roots and time stood still as he hurled it over the fence, such beauty wasted.

I dream of a note written on folded paper that landed on my desk. I dream of a night in a treehouse with a little tv and a lot of hormones. I dream of too many screwdrivers and vomiting and sleeping with one foot on the floor. I dream the best dreams and wake up sad to find they’re not real.

I dream that I dreamed you. I dream of chubby baby legs with feet that can’t be squished into perfect pink baby loafers. I dream of pigtails and tiny teeth. I dream of your hands yanking my hair. I dream of your baby voice saying “Mommy,” and your face buried in my neck. I dream of you when you were inside of me, and even before you were actually there.

I dream that someday, all alone, I will stand atop a mountain I’ve climbed and I’ll be sweaty and dirty and exhausted but I will have done it.

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  • http://auerfreelance.com/ Kerstin Auer

    I want to sit and eat fresh guacamole with blue corn chips with you all day!

    What a great, inspiring post, my friend. You’ll be at that mountain top before you know it. xoxox

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Kerstin,

      I would LOVE to have fresh guac with you ANY day. Wanna come to Kansas City? Free place to stay if you do… just say the word! xo

  • Laura

    Beautiful

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you so much, Laura!

  • http://www.jenniferpwilliams.com/ Jennifer P. Williams

    This is so amazing. I love it. And now I want to do my own “I dream” post, but I’m not sure what my dreams are right now, this minute. I need them to come back to me.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Hennifer. I hope you do write your own dreams post, I’d love to read (and share!) it!! I know what you mean about needing them to come back… some are so fleeting.

  • http://www.twocannoli.com/ Kristin S.

    Such a beautiful piece, Erin. I love this. Thank you for sharing it again!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Kristin,

      Thank you for reading it, and for the compliments. I need to wake my muse back up…

  • Sarah Heleringer Reinhart

    powerful, poetic piece Erin. You dream of starting again and again and again. Oh, gave me chills.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Sarah,

      Thank you so much. Yes, I dream of starting again and again… and I hope that it comes true. xoxo

  • http://writingwishing.com/ Alison

    This is amazing. Thank you.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you for reading, Alison. Hugs to you, the boys, & those babes in your belly!

  • http://www.mommy-miracles.com Laura

    Great. Now I really want a margarita. See how powerful your writing is?

    This is really beautiful. Thank you for re-sharing it. I really hope you find new words soon though too. xo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Laura,

      How about we go for a margarita together?! xoxo

  • Nicole Morgan

    I read that it is a true art to take your words, work them over, make them fresh .. take them to new places. So look at you, you artiste you!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Nicole. I don’t feel much like an artist, but… if you say so? MWAH!

  • http://www.jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed.com/ Angela Youngblood

    This is beautiful and raw and powerful and…oh I loved it. Thanks for sharing your dreams.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Angela. I appreciate your comments and your friendship. xo

  • http://www.misselaineouslife.com Elaine A.

    Erin, your words, oh man, how they get to me. In a good way, of course. And I think we ALL dream of being loved and seen. That one is certainly big for me. As are the guac and margaritas. ;-) LOVE YOU SISTER!!! xoxoxo

  • http://southernlifeindianwife.com Sheryl Parbhoo

    “I dream that I have a soul full of ladybugs.”
    I love this! What a gift to give yourself the chance to put these dreams on paper. It makes it all real and so powerful!

  • Julie Gardner

    “I dream that we all make mistakes. I dream that we’re forgiven. And that forgiveness comes easily, but not too easily.”

    I loved this the first time and I love the redux.
    But that right here is what I needed most of all.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you so much, Julie. Hugs to you. xoxo

  • Denise Ullem

    Absolutely exquisite, Erin. This post will stay with me for days. Thank you. xo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      A very belated thank you for your comments, Denise! I appreciate your kind words!

  • Pingback: In Case You Want To Know Where I’ve Been | renée a. schuls-jacobson's blog

  • Robbie K

    This is beautiful. As for me, I dream of a day I will be inspired to write again.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      THank you, Robbie. And I feel similarly. I have been pretty sapped emotionally and mentally. No energy. And when I do have energy, it’s used up on other things. Not making myself a priority. ;-(

  • http://www.worldsworstmoms.com/ Tammy

    Funny how the littlest things can make writing sing. Light as a feather. A plate with crumbs. Too many screwdrivers. Awesome.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thanks, Tammy. I love the details I find in good writing and I try to insert lots of them when I remember. ;-)

  • http://www.about100percent.com/ Andrea

    Such a great post, Erin. I love that you brought it here again. My favorite line:

    “Bits of my childhood self glued to the woman I am now.”

    This is exactly how I see myself. All the time.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you so much, Andrea. I need to write more. I think a part of me is scared and..I feel like I have nothing important to say.

  • heidi

    Wow. Beautiful and so alive!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you so much, Heidi! I’m glad you stopped by! ;-)

  • Heather

    Hi there! My name is Heather and I was wondering if you would be able to answer my question I have about your blog! If you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com that would be great!

  • http://www.aussalorens.com/ HackerNinjaHookerSpy

    Wow. Well, I’m late to arrive at this post because I’m poking around and checking out other BlogHer attendees, but this was absolutely perfect. There was a lot I related to, but most of all these lines:

    “I dream of a time when I can honor my body and its scars and curves instead of judging it every time I pass a mirror.

    I dream of a glass of wine and a notebook, black ink all over the middle finger of my right hand. In the middle of the night, alone. Just me and silence and crumbs on a dirty plate in the kitchen sink.”

    Damn.