Postpartum Hell or, Where Are My Pills?

Posted on December 18, 2011 by erin

image courtesy of photobucket

wake up, fling off the covers, fly out of bed, glance at red numbers on clock. listen for crying. not sure if i really hear crying or if i am imagining it. wonder if night nanny is on top of things. tiptoe down to check. everything is fine. go back to bed. restless. waiting for sleep, brain ticking through lists. feeling guilty.

i should not have a night nanny, it’s lazy and indulgent and my baby needs me. i should be able to handle this. after all, i had twins last time. but i know without sufficient sleep i get progressively worse, more depressed, snappy, irritable, teary.

izzy pads down the hall and calls for me at the entrance to our room, “mommy?” more guilt crashes over me. she knows when someone else is in the house and counts the number of nights the nanny comes. as is our routine, i guide her back to bed, kiss her, warn her sternly not to wake me again, especially on a night we have the nanny (when we are paying for my sleep). i feel badly because i haven’t been as much of a mommy to her lately. i should make more time for her and her sister. but there is no time. it’s all about the baby. part of me knows i can’t help that, yet i’m convinced if i was doing things right, she wouldn’t wake up, wouldn’t be having issues. but that is my fault, too; like mother, like daughter.

piles of laundry stare up at me. hampers scream my name. empty pantry calls out for reinforcements. there is no real dinner. the dog reeks and hasn’t had a walk in who knows how long. i haven’t washed the sheets on our bed in over a month. we have a fruit fly problem. there are bottles everywhere. spilled powdered formula, gritty and messy and a constant reminder that i failed at breastfeeding. which is yet another thing to feel guilty about. piper has reflux. she is on medication. she cries and arches and spits up and i feel every bit of it–like it’s happening to me. my breasts ache and leak for her. i put her on my shoulder and listen to her baby breathing, sniffles and snorts and sighs in my ear. my hair mingles with hers. and even in the sweetest moments like this, i can’t set aside all the other things that need doing. i can’t just sit and enjoy my daughter fully and completely. there is always something else gnawing at me.

i should be better at this. i should be fine. it’s only one baby this time.

when the baby sleeps, i do things. i empty the dishwasher. i take out the trash. i pay bills. i scoop dog shit. i load the dishwasher. i write thank-you notes. i fold clean clothes. i write grocery lists. i forget important things. i obsessively wipe countertops until i just can’t do it one more time. i organize things.  i write notes to the girls’ teachers. I sign field trip permission slips. i put together treat bags for their classes’ holiday parties. i empty their folders and weed through all the crap that comes home from school. i pack the girls’ lunches. or i don’t–and then they eat crappy school food (more guilt, especially since it makes my life easier). the house is a mess and it makes me want to climb the walls. i smell like spit up and baby poop. i haven’t showered in three days and have been wearing the same pair of black sweatpants that whole time, too. if i do have time to shower, i lack the energy. i want to curl up in bed in the dark and never get up. i want to sleep and sleep and sleep some more. i want to eat a breakfast without a baby in one arm. i am selfish. remember when i couldn’t even have a baby? piper is our red bean, our miracle, for fuck’s sake. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? so many people can’t even get pregnant or have children. i am the lucky one.

my bottom half hurts. i am not healed, which makes all this harder. i am not back to my old self. i miss me. my body sags. i am in pieces, literally and figuratively, and everybody wants one. there isn’t enough to go around. i feel selfish having a night nanny. that alone should be the key to keeping my shit together. i get sleep, so why can’t i do it all?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

This entry was posted in Home + Family, My Non-Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
  • Frelle

    you are enough. you are an amazing woman. you have written my heart in many of these lines.  things i never said, feelings I never put into words. It’s so hard.  But honey, you cant compare yourself to other women and other families.  they are not you.  they dont have your heart, your mind, your husband, and your children, all of you with your own needs and personalities.  you cant compare yourself to the you before Piper came, because you had 2 children then, and now you have three.  be the best YOU you can be.  give yourself time. allow yourself slack. practice good self care.  try to make expectations of yourself that show your successes, not remind you of your failures.  when youre succeeding at the small amount of things you list, then start adding in one new goal. Shower. Put on clean clothes. give the scrubbing to your husband. You need to make sure you are cared for, so that you have something in your cup to pour out to others.  existing on fumes is bad for you and not good for them either. Not survival. Living. 

    if medication will improve your quality of life and take the edge off the feelings of guilt and failure, it’s worth it. its not forever.  it doesnt mean youve compromised. it means your brain chemistry needs a little adjusting while your hormones are changing levels and youre not getting good sleep. 

    thank you for hitting publish. thank you for being real and writing the raw. For telling your story, and giving others a sense of being understood, feeling less alone.  We’re with you, mama.  

    Love you. LOVE you. *HUG*

  • Anonymous

    Sweetie there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Trust me I have been there done that. My PPD got BAD with Devin, mainly because I was also so sick while carrying him. Then to have surgery when he was only 3 months old yeah not the greatest thing to add to my already overwhelming guilt. Deep Breathes, call friends, realize that you are just as much a miracle as Piper is and that YOU need some space as well. I love you and your family loves you.. and it will get better I promise

  • Juliecgardner

    I don’t know the right words to say. 
    But I want you to know I was here.

    I am here.

  • http://tiaras-and-trucks.blogspot.com Angela

    Oh Erin, I don’t have answers, but I wanted to comment and let you know that you were heard.

    And that no, you can’t do it all.  Not even with a night nanny.  Or even with a day nanny.  Or a dog walker or anything.  There will always be more to do and not enough hands, and you will find your footing and figure it out.

    Sending all of the hugs I can over the internet and thinking about you.

  • http://yeahgoodtimes.blogspot.com/ jillsmo

    Oh, god. The “i’m convinced if i was doing things right” is so familiar…. (((((YOU))))))

  • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com LeeBlock

    Wow….you summed up how I feel about my own life without a baby and a night nanny right now.  love you always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Laurie-Gates-Ward/1655570263 Laurie Gates Ward

    I remember almost four years ago I sat in my house overwhelmed with my newborn daughter, grieving the loss of her twin sister, wondering how I was EVER going to navigate the dark, muddy, crappy waters life had put in my lap.  And one day a box came in the mail.  It was from you….it was just clothes….pretty little things that Abby and Izzy had worn, carefully chosen to be shared from your twins to my beautiful little ‘twinless twin’.  And in the box was a little handwritten note that I still have somewhere that simply said “I am sorry.  I am here if you need me.  It will get better.”  

    So my friend I say “I am sorry.  I am here if you need me. It will get better.”  Let go of the guilt, allow yourself to heal in every sense of the word and trust what you know….you are a good mother and your girls are so blessed to have you.  

    Shalom.

    Laurie

  • Angie@MamaInsomnia

    Oh friend, I feel for you. And can so relate to this post.
    I’m sorry you are going through this. I, luckily, haven’t grappled with PPD but after having Nolan things felt so much harder this time around, so I can’t imagine what you are going through. I thought going into parenthood the 2nd time would be a breeze. What a smack in the face that was. I don’t know what’s worse sometimes, not sleeping or feeling guilty because I want to sleep but there are a million other things that need to be done AND 2 kids that need me at their beck and call.
    As someone that’s in the the thick of it now too, I have no real words of wisdom. Except maybe that this too shall pass. (at least that’s what I tell myself 50x a day) And that you are not alone. Not by a long shot.
    I know I have never met you but I can tell from your blog and our Twitter interactions that you are a kind, caring and strong person. And a great mother. If you need help remembering that just Tweet me and I’ll remind you ;-) Anytime.
    PS: I am so jealous you have a night nanny.

  • Anonymous

    I recognize that posting these emotions, in all your honesty, took a lot of strength. I know that you feel weak and defeated right now, but it is evident that you have the heart of a fighter. This is another battle to face. It’s hard right now, but it won’t always be this way. I know this is another battle that you will win. 

    I am here abiding with you and holding your hand, Erin. xoxo

  • http://twitter.com/MamaDramaNY MamaDrama NY

    I feel the same way and my kids are 7 and 8 years old.

  • http://www.reluctantrenovator.com KimMoldofsky

    Nothing is wrong with you! You have a newborn, a colicky newborn, not to mention two other kids and a dog. I’ll send you more thoughts in an email.

  • http://farewellstranger.com Robin | Farewell Stranger

    Nothing is wrong with you. You struggle with a baby just as other moms struggle with a baby. It’s HARD. And it’s not just one baby this time – it’s 3. You have the two others who, while they may not be babies in the same sense of the word, still need you. And that makes it HARDER. 

    That’s what the depression monster does to you – it makes it hard to do things and it makes you not care whether you’ve showered and it makes it so that you feel guilt for all of the above and more. A night nanny is a great idea, but it’s not going to solve everything. 

    There’s nothing wrong with you and soon you’ll see that and it will be just a tiny bit less hard. 

  • Faiqa

    I didn’t have twins and this pretty much sums up how I felt when the second baby was born.  Nothing I did seemed good enough, everything seemed off… I went around feeling anxious, depressed and guilty for feeling… well, anxious, depressed and guilty.  I finally did take medication and, of course, doing so made me have to wean a little earlier than I wanted (at 14 months, which, really… that’s pretty good, but I still feel bad.)  Anyway, a few weeks ago, I finally put a note on my mirror: “When I come first, everybody wins.”  Take care of yourself so you can take care of these little ones.  An immaculate house and a healthy lunch is no substitute for a mother whose heart is at peace because she feels rested, healthy and enough, you know? You are not alone, the best of us have gone through this, and you are incredibly kind and brave to make us not feel alone in that.  XO

  • http://www.thevirtualasst.com Michelle Mangen

    Erin, hugs for sharing and being vulnerable. <3 you

  • http://www.snugglewasteland.com Snuggle Wasteland

    I think we all feel this way (some degree or another) when we have an infant in the house. The difference? You’re brave enough to talk about it. I don’t know the magic answer to help you. I do know that this will pass and that you are loved. 
    xoxo

  • GiGI

    here is what is wrong: you are a new mommie…..again!  you are “one”, they are “three”…they have needs and it is your responsibility to address their needs….but no one can do it all….EVER!
    i find that having a drink or two (i hardly drink, so just one or two will do it for me!) helps to pull the plug on all that angst (please note: “HELPS TO..”);it just induces relaxation, but you don’t want to do this often (for obvious reasons)…
    then, i find that when i cannot sleep and i am ruminating about all kinds of things/lists/etc., i get up out of bed (even though i can barely drag myself in any direction that is “up”), and i write it all down….messy, with language, no punctuation….the important thing is getting it out of my head and someplace else (like the paper)….
    most often, once i am finished writing (and i always know when i am finished), i return to bed, and to sleep (but i don’t have an “izzy”, either!)….
    hope any of this helps…love, GIGI

  • Jana (@jana0926)

    I love you love you love you… 

  • http://twitter.com/Momofthreeunder Momofthreeunder

    “i should not have a night nanny, it’s lazy and indulgent and my baby needs me. i should be able to handle this. after all…” I wish you didn’t feel this way. My friend is a night nurse and she, in my eyes, is a lifesaver. The job they do is worth its weight in gold for new moms, regardless if this is your 1st or 5th child. You cannot help anyone if you cannot help yourself, your sleep and healing IS important. YOu know that old cliche with the airplane and the oxygen masks and how you need to put yours on first..it’s so true. And what a lucky generation we live in to be able to share these ppd stories- so many times women felt even more alone and isolated because they didn’t have the ability or outlet to share this with anyone. I think you are brave to talk about it- and hope that you are feeling better soon.

  • http://www.twobearsfarm.com Varunner7

    No words can express how hard it is.  Hugs to you Erin.  I hope that one day very soon things start to clear for you and get easier.

  • http://twitter.com/DwayneReaves Dwayne Reaves

    You are only Human, you can’t do everything! 

  • http://arms-wide-open.squarespace.com arms wide open

    Nothing is wrong with you as a mother. You are the perfect mother for piper. It’s the illness robbing you of enjoyment. So proud of you for seeking help… And truth. It will get better- you KNOW this! Stay in the here and now and remember what is truth and what are lies! You are strong. You are a good mother. You will be well!!!! Sending so so so many hugs. So sorry you are hurting. Nobody should ever have to hurt like this.

  • Alexandra

    Sweet Erin: The MAJORITY of households are thrown into a tizzy when a newborn arrives. people go online and in real life and lie about how effortless it is. Be careful who you read, what you listen to, who you spend time with: the people out there that crush vs support are toxic.  Surround yourself with the ones that tell the the truth: every time I’ve brought a new baby into our house it’s been turned upside down for 3 months solid. NO LESS.

    So much love to you.

  • Taming Insanity

    First: why the FUCK do new mothers not get a pass on thank you cards?

    Second: I think I sometimes view motherhood as an exercise in control when really what I’m supposed to be learning is to let go, to ask for help, to let people in. Maybe your lesson isn’t the same as mine but…I find the more I fight the lesson the worse things get for me. So, submit, relax, give in to the lesson you’re supposed to learn. Get some happy pills.

  • http://twitter.com/millejoa jo miller

    Nothing is wrong with you ~ nothing.  Your writing is brilliant, honest and you give us a perspective- one which some of us have experienced first hand.  I am delighted you wrote this and I pray that many people read it, for understanding and compassion and perhaps to save their sanity and sense of self.
    I know you know that it does work out- it always does.  I know you understand the multi physiological reasons why it is Extremely difficult to cope, let alone function – You just continue doing what you are doing, ask for and except help — help to break that chain we, as women, are attached to – Reality – No one can do it alone.

    Permit me another word on your writing – your pace, your rhythm, description, expression - perfection.  
    We are online friends, so this may be a step over the line – oh well.  I love you Erin and am sending some angels and peace your way.

    And I have seen pictures of your miracles and I have seen and felt their spirits – They are fine, you just keep doing your best and that means doing the best you can to look after you, and enjoy those babes  -  those miracles.

  • Angie Kinghorn

    You will be fine.  It will get better.  Ignore the bottles and the mess, and as you hug your sweet baby, hug yourself as well.  I feel for you on the reflux–my twins both had it and it was awful, even with meds.  Constant crying.  Sometimes I wasn’t sure whether the babies I heard crying were real or not.  There are plenty of us out here who have been in that postpartum hell where you are, and I’m so sorry you’re there.  Take pills if you need them.  Stop breastfeeding if it’s killing you.  Allow yourself to heal.  Much love to you.

  • http://twonormalmoms.blogspot.com/ Ally

    There was a period I felt very similar to this with one. ONE. You have three. THREE. You HAVE to give yourself some slack because night nurse, or not, it simply isn’t possible to do it all. One vs three, plus a husband? Not even a fair contest. You are doing the important stuff and that’s all that matters. You are taking care of you by having a night nurse – and that DOES matter. The rest is just simply “stuff” that will someday get done. And nobody’s life will suffer because it takes months. 

    For all the people that want to do “something” for a new mother, here’s the things you can do:
    Hold the baby while she showers.
    Hold the baby while she NAPS. Even if you have to walk the baby up and down the sidewalk for an hour, or in circles in the living room – let her NAP.
    Go in and change all the sheets in the house.
    Do some laundry – pick it up, take it home, bring it back folded. Or stay and do it while she NAPS.
    Take the other children out for ice cream. Just for an hour.
    Walk the dog.
    Get her grocery list and go get her groceries.
    Pre-make a week’s worth of lunches.
    Make several dinners that can go in the freezer.
    Whatever you do, don’t say, “Let me know if I can help.” She doesn’t know how to let you know. Just do. (and don’t judge) You’ll make her day. Her week.

    Oh Erin, I wish I was close enough to do even one of these things for you. Hugs to you, lady. You are doing fine. Just fine. Hang on to that deep in your heart.

  • http://twitter.com/OldTweener Sherri Kuhn

    Oh, Erin…this took guts for you to write, I know it did. And by putting it out there, you are helping other people put words to what they are feeling or have felt as well. Ditch the guilt; you are doing the best you can. Asking for help, buying the school lunches, paying for sleep…these are all things you NEED to do. Hang in there, it will get better.

  • http://theunknownmighthurtme.blogspot.com Pamela Gold

    I wish I couldn’t relate to this post but I can. I so can. Hopefully for you, it’s PPD and you can expect it to get better. For me it didn’t. It triggered Bipolar II and now this is me for life. I pray for you. If you ever want to talk…I’m a great listener.

  • Leighann

    My heart is aching for you.
    Because I remember these very same feelings.
    The very same darkness and frustration.
    The same reflux, failure at breast feeding, and guilt.
    The same obsessive cleaning and then exhaustion.
    You will get through this.
    Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will.
    Your strength is tremendous and you can do this.

  • Fairytaleforgotten

    Oh, sweetie. It will get better. We beat outselves up for our percieved failings but you are doing this one day at a time. Just take it a day at a time.

  • Nicoledezarn

    Oh, sweet mama. Hugs for u. U love them. It drips from your words and, yes, your guilt. This will pass and you will be, not everything you want to be, but you will be enough. If I could come clean your house, I would. If I could give you a hug, I would, shower or no. For now. I’m sending prayers your way. Hang on, dear one, u will make it through this.

  • http://www.reallyimamom.com Imperfectmomma

    Sending you love, hugs and prayers. You are an awesome mom and your girls? They know this.

  • Helene1108

    There are a million and one things I want to write to you right now but I know the one thing you desperately need to hear is there is nothing wrong with you.  You are doing the best you can do…you are in survival mode.  Even though you know it won’t always be like this, it’s still difficult to deal with when it feels like the chaos will never end.  Give yourself permission to function as best you know how…keep the night nanny, let the girls buy lunch at school…do whatever you have to do until this stage passes.  Because it will pass, soon enough.

    Hang in there, my friend.  I understand 100% how you’re feeling right now.  I’ve been there and sometimes I’m still there.  Take it one hour at a time.

  • http://aladyinfrance.com Lady Jennie

    Hey – I have nothing brilliant to add that all these other women haven’t already said, but just another person here to say you’re not alone, you’re normal, glad you can sometimes get rest, take care of you and the depression so that you can be in good shape for all the rest.  Whatever it takes.

    There is simply no room for guilt.  Guilt has no place here.

  • http://mommynanibooboo.com Jenni Chiu

    I am right there with you… feeling incapable… buried in chores… crying…. anxious….
    I’m sending you love… so much love… as much as I have the energy to muster.
    And as always, my vagina is sending your vagina big fat hugs.

  • http://twitter.com/jenrenpody Jennifer Gaskell

    Sending you lots of love & hugs.  You are a great mom, and your girls know that you are.  It’s the depression that makes you think you’re not doing a good job.  Rest as much as possible.  The night nurse is necessary for you to feel rested.  It’s not an indulgence.  Hoping you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

  • http://www.babesrockinmami.com Stephanie

    I have no words of wisdom to share but wanted you to know I was here, read and hope that you get what you are looking for.

  • Kpiccini

    Erin….I’ve known you a long time….
    I love you…
    Stop beating yourself up….
    Take a nice deep breath….

    And know that I have so much respect for you.

    Sending youu so much love and support my friend. Xoxo

  • http://www.adayinmollywood.com molly

    I’m so sorry, Erin. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I would tell you not to feel guilty, but hell, I feel so damn guilty every day of my life.

    Personally, I think it’s awesome that you have a night nanny. Lack of sleep is my BIGGEST trigger for a severe mood swing and if I could have had that with Brigham I bet I wouldn’t have gotten so depressed and anxious. Just keep taking your meds (if you’re not already).
    You’re a good mama. This is a difficult time with all the hormone fluctuations!

  • http://www.thewatson6.blogspot.com jessica

    I can imagine how hard this must have been to write. I remember these feelings so well. After Sawyer was born I felt the same, that I had had two before, why was this so hard? And keeping up with kids in school is so difficult. The papers, the homework, all of the things that have to be done. The school doesn’t give us time off for having a baby. Thinking of you Erin and wishing you lots of strength during these tough days. Sending hugs.

  • Galit Breen

    Erin, this is such an important open and honest post. I have no advice {like, ever} but I wanted you to know that I read this and am thinking about you, and hugging you in the only way that I know how. xo

  • http://www.thingsicantsay.com shellthings

    Oh girl. 

    Stop thinking that this should be easy.

    One baby this time instead of two… well, yes, that sounds like it should be easier… but not necessarily easy. 

    And it’s okay to let somethings go. Cleaning, school lunches… and oh, if I’d been able to have a night nanny, the sleep I could have had. Oh… wow.

    Taking care of a baby is hard. No matter what. And it’s okay to not be superwoman and be able to do it all. 

    Don’t beat yourself up. xo

  • http://makemommygosomethingsomething.com/ Kimberly

    Move in a little closer to your computer screen.
    Little closer…
    little closer…
    There.
    Feel it?
    That’s me giving you a warm hug.
    Motherhood is so hard. So so so hard.
    But it’s even harder when you’re battling demons. I know. It sucks. Horribly.
    Know that I’m always here to talk, vent about how gross baby poop is…
    You can do this.
    xoxo

  • Tracy Cameron

    There is NOTHING easy about caring for a baby, especially a newborn. If I could have had a night nanny I would have done it in a heartbeat and you should not feel guilty about getting sleep (or at least trying to). 

    So what if the house is messy? It will pass, this all will pass. I know you know that in your heart and in your head, it’s just hard to feel it right now.

    There is nothing wrong with asking for help and nothing wrong with accepting it. I think every mom feels like a failure sometimes but I know that doesn’t diminish how you feel now. 

    Just remember to do whatever you need to do to make it through and keep everyone healthy and safe, including YOU!

    Best wishes for a good night’s sleep :)

  • http://npoj.blogspot.com/ Nancy C

    I’m proud of you for telling the truth. The truth that like The Empress said, happens to us all.

    All of us.

    New babies are greedy, mean little things. If they didn’t smile….we would eat our young.

    And Piper and the big girls are loved. Desperately. They won’t remember this. They will remember how much you love them.

  • http://www.surferwife.com/ Monique3502

    It has been way too long since I have been here.  I will change that.  :)

  • http://twitter.com/NinaBadzin Nina Badzin

    Oh Erin, I so feel your pain–quite literally as baby #4 is just six weeks. I’m JUST feeling like I have a sense of him, like I can comfort him. Each child is so different. And WE’RE different with each child as we have more children who rely on us, other things going on in our lives, etc. I really relate to feeling guilty about complaining at all of lack of sleep, etc, when I have friends who are so desperate to have even one baby or two.

    Listen, we all do the best we can. Sometimes you have to take things off the plate. I think I’m going to take a blogging and commenting break for the last half of December. That’s the plan at least . . . As much as I love the blogging and it feels like a lifeline, it also take a ton of time, more time than I want to admit to myself.

  • Tracy@sellabitmum

    Thinking about you and sending you love. A newborn is hard. So hard. xoxo

  • http://twitter.com/csiracusa Christine Siracusa

    So glamorous, isn’t it?

    It’s been a while but I remember this so clearly. It is burned into my psyche. Every mom out there who is honest with herself can totally relate to this post.

    One foot in front of the other…

  • http://www.cynicism101.com/ Dr. Cynicism

    I’m a member of one of those couples that can’t get pregnant (yet, hopefully). But depression is a helluva monster, and it’s unique to every person, so don’t feel bad for feeling bad.  I’m sending pills by the bottle-full your way!!

    As a side note, I’m new here and your blog design is flat out awesome — so simple but strong and classy.  Me likey!  Great stuff :-)

  • http://lifeinthemarriedlane.com/ Rivki Silver

    Like your amazing, fabulous friends said, it’s going to get better.  It’s just so brutal in the beginning.  And it’s not that it should be easier b/c it’s a single and not a double birth this time, because you have your other kids, so that is instant reason to not feel guilty.  Yes, that is what I said. Having a newborn is a challenge, always, and we all do our best and have different strengths and different challenges, and it sound like you are already good at knowing when to delegate (i.e. sleep nanny – awesome, school lunches – fantastic) which is CRUCIAL.  No one can do it all, even without a newborn to contend with. 

    It’s like using the Manieschewitz latke mix.  While I’d love to make some from scratch, sometimes you just gotta use the mix.  This year I ordered from a restaurant.  That was what the situation called for. 

    Enjoy that night nanny, and I hope your lady parts feel better soon.  And that you get a shower.  I totally hear you on the lack of energy to take a shower.    

  • Denise (Universal Grit)

    I relate to every gritty word you wrote here. This is powerful and I’m standing, clapping and lauding YOU. In the dark. In the pain. In the inky confines of depression. If I still lived in KC, I’d come over and take your kids out with my kids and take them for french fries. 

    Be gentle with you. Sending love.

  • Shelly

    I am assuming that you KNOW there is NOTHING wrong with you –

    Besides the fact that when you had the twins, you didn’t have older kids to deal with too – besides the fact that you are still healing and besides the fact that you just haven’t found that balance yet…  YOU WILL –

    even though you know that external guilty feeling that you never give your kids all the attention they deserve looms around forever… I mean I STILL feel guilty for not giving my son enough attention when he was a baby and he is 6!!!

     Sending you big XOXOXOs :)

  • Gayletrini

    I so understand the guilt… hell I have two housekeepers to help me with my four children from9am-5pm and I feel as if I am still drowning from under the amount of things I am still accountable for. I have learned to accept that I need the help and the children are happier for it. So your sleep nanny is a convenience that you should be happy for and enjoy. Because three children are infinitely harder than two or one. You need to remember that you don’t only have a newborn, you have a newborn along with twin girls. It is not easy but the positive is that it does get easier and they grow up. Hope you the healing is going ok.
    Big ((hugs)) and a ((hug)) again.

  • Amy

    Nothing is wrong with you. You are experiencing EVERY feeling, emotion, tinge of guilt every other mother experiences. Be kind to yourself. This 3rd babe? She’s new. Which means new routine, new adjustments, new you.  You WILL get the hang of this. You WILL learn how to juggle it all. It’s just all still new Erin. Normal will return.  In the meantime, turn that voice off in your head.  Say fuck you to the guilt.  If the girls have to eat school lunch once a week, it will not kill them. Allow yourself to cut some corners until things become easier. No one will suffer because of it. 

    I feel all of the stress and anxiety of this post. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself mama.

  • Oneali

    No one can do it all! There are many who pretend like they do, but that’s all fake bs. Also, where’s dad? Give him some tasks! You didn’t have this baby or the twins by yourself. Hormones are a bitch! Give yourself a break, you’re not being selfish. You can only do what you can, the rest can wait until that newborn goes to school all day. If you need help ask for it, friends and family will be there for you. My youngest is 16 months and I’m just starting to feel ” normal” again.

  • http://www.btdas.blogspot.com/ Anita

    I’m reading this 6 weeks after you wrote it, and I hope that as I read more current posts, that this episode has gone. Yes, it comes back with different acts and scenes, but hopefully not with a vengeance.

    Now that my children are 16, almost 14, and 11, I say, “Don’t feel guilty about anything – missing things, bad lunches, having a maid, having a nanny, whatever.”

    But…sometimes it’s hard to tell someone else how to feel. Sometimes, you have to go through it to “get it.”

  • Pingback: Wherein I Apologize. | Erin Margolin