So, apparently Pregnant Women Are Smug. Or at least that is what this hilarious YouTube video claims:
Pregnant Women Are Smug go watch it, I’ll wait….seriously. You don’t wanna miss this one.
I need to tell you a few things, although I won’t be singing with a guitar and a partner:
- I may indeed be pregnant, but I am not smug; however, I am irritable, sweaty, constantly starving, large & in charge, and prone to sudden, lurching movements. And loud snoring.
- I am having a girl. It’s never been a secret. It’s also no secret that I kinda wanted a boy to balance out the surplus of drama, er, estrogen we have around here. I blame the husband, because we all know sperm determine a baby’s gender.
- Her name is going to be Piper. It’s not a secret. If you don’t like it, I don’t want to hear about it. When you have a parasite festering in your belly, you get to name it. You do not have license to critique our name choice or make alternative suggestions.*Thanks to my awesome #CIP pal, Lori (@LipDesign on Twitter, follow her!), for this awesome pic of me!*
- I am neither beautiful nor glowing; I am neither Mother Earth nor radiant. I am, quite simply, miserable. I have a 25-pound sack of potatoes hanging off of my stomach and it’s cumbersome.
- I can’t reach my cankles. I can’t breathe. I can’t tie my shoes. I can barely shave my legs. And you call this “a glorious time?” Whatevs.
- PSA: Pregnancy is NOT NINE MONTHS, people. It’s 40 weeks, which = 10 months. Get yer heads outta your asses. Ten months of pure hell.
- Got flatulence? Got heartburn? Got zits? Got boobs that need their own zip code? You gots a baby in your belly, ‘den.
- I have a triple chin, even my voice sounds like it’s put on some pounds, and I look like this when I try to gracefully drape myself on the couch: