My Tell-Tale Heart

Posted on October 5, 2011 by erin

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This week Galit Breen asked us to conjure something. An object, a person, a feeling, a color, a season- whatever we like.

But don’t tell us what it is, conjure it. In 100 words.

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i leave the doctor.

my tell-tale heart thuds. a jagged edge hangs in my throat. tears dribble.

i don’t like guessing games; i prefer the ive-been-there-before.

what if i try and try and i just can’t do it?

seems so much easier to just slice me open and take her out. like last time.

i know that time. it is written on me.

my fear unfurls.

the image of my body opening, yawning wide, and the blood.

not being in control. being splayed out. and on display.

scared.

 

 

 

 

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  • http://www.shesuggests.com Yuliya

    that gave me the shivers, yikes! I hope whatever happens you are all healthy and happy.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Yuliya,

      Thank you, sweets! I’m sure all will be well. It’s the anticipation & anxiety that are getting to me right now….

  • http://www.thekircorner.com Kir

    Oh Erin, I too would be so scared to try. I like knowing what I’m in for too. I am never going to have another child, but if I did, I feel EXACTLY this way. Hugs sweet friend, you are going to be just fine
    xxoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Kir,

      Thank you, sweet friend. Appreciate your honesty and kind words, as usual! xoxo

  • http://itsblogworthy.com Amanda Austin

    wow, powerful post! I was also really scared, but it’s over before you know it. You’ll do great!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thanks so much, Amanda! I’m glad to know I’m not the only dork afraid of this stuff. Not that I’m calling you a dork. You know what I mean! ;-)

  • http://twitter.com/galitbreen Galit Breen

    Erin! I have all sorts of chills! This is perfectly written- you evoked so, so very much. 

    Now, I just wish that I lived closer to you so I could hug you. And maybe bring you chocolate? Because, you know, that fixes everything! 

    Thanks for writing, you. It’s amazing!

    XO

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Galit,

      hugs from YOU? screw the chocolate!! it would be SO COOL to just meet you. le sigh. thank you, as always, for your comments and support. xoxoxoxoox

  • http://twitter.com/CathyLynn_ Cathy Lynn

    Goosebumps!

    P.S. OMG! Piper will be here soon!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Cathy,

      I know—-it’s exciting and terrifying all at once! ;-)
      xoxoxoxo

  • Elaine Alguire

    Those last two sentences (before the last word) gripped me like a vice. Wow.  

    You know I know this.  These feelings.  You conjured them for sure. 

    xo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thanks, Elaine! I tried. I haven’t been there yet, but of course my imagination is running wild.

  • http://tiaras-and-trucks.blogspot.com Angela

    You can do it :)

    However, if you don’t, that’s ok, too.  I attempted (and failed) a VBAC, and I don’t regret the attempt for one second.  Let me know if you want to talk about it, ever.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Angela,

      You are the sweetest. Thank you. I am going to try b/c that is what the dr wants. He says I’m a “perfect candidate.” We shall see….ack!

  • http://www.bigmamacass.com/ BigMamaCass

    No matter what you will be amazing.  I know it.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thanks for your support, Cass! And for reading!

  • http://www.thewatson6.blogspot.com jessica

    Oh wow, so powerful and perfectly written. You are amazing and will do great.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thanks, Jessica! I hope you’re right. Now I’m just ready to get through it…..

  • Ace1028

    I so know. I think about this every time i imagine another baby someday.

    So well put into words from head to heart to page.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Andrea,

      Thanks, sweets. This waiting/anticipating is the hardest part. I need to just let go….

  • http://mamaonetothree.com Wendy @ mama one to three

    Beauty! I admire that talent so very much.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Wendy,
      Thank you so much! Glad you stopped by! ;-)

  • http://dawningofjanuary.blogspot.com January

    Oh wow.  Whether it happens either way I wish you all the best.  Truly.  Great piece.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thank you, January! Appreciate your stopping by to read!

  • http://npoj.blogspot.com AwayWeGoNancy

    I know that time. It is written on me.

    Yes. And yet, you healed. As you will again, one way or another.

    You have strength in you, strength you will harness and fears you will conquer. I know this.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Nancy,

      I wish I had this confidence in myself. I know I’ll get through it, but I wish I could let go of the fear, at least for now….ugh.

  • http://moveovermarypoppins.com/ CDG

    Brave you!
    Your fear is beautifully rendered. Remember that. You are its master, not the other way around. Do what feels right and healthy and safe, and trust those you’ve chosen to assist you. 

    And remember, we’re all here standing behind you.

    Figuratively of course. No one needs that many friends in a delivery room.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Cameron,

      Thanks for the laugh—-I needed that! No, I think I will be better off with fewer “friends” in the delivery room! In fact, that’s one of my anxiety issues right now…showing my lady business to a bunch of people. Even though I’m not the first and certainly not the last…oy!

  • http://www.mamasmonologues.com Kimberly

    Powerful and beautifully written. You’ll do great.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Kimberly. I hope you’re right!
      Thanks so much for stopping by!

  • Thekitchwitch

    Oh, I love the line about the body yawning, opening.  That’s really vivid detail there!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Kitchwitch,

      Was it too much? It just kinda came to me….even though I haven’t exactly been there…yet!

  • http://viewsfromnature.com Carrie

    I could not imagine having to go through this. Birth is difficult enough, having to consider a VBAC, impossible to contemplate.

    Great job. You made the fear about the pain and loss of control very real

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Carrie.

      I am sure it will all work out fine in the end, it’s the anticipation and anxiety that are getting to me right now. I have to try to remember to breathe… ;-)

  • Taminginsanity

    It’s easier than you imagine – because you just get through it. Big hug. Let me know what you need.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      KLZ,

      I may call you this weekend? If you’ll be around? Am really sweating this. I know I’ll get through it, I’m just freaking out and really scared….

  • http://www.amothersthoughts.com A Mother’s Thoughts

    Wow, what a beatuifully expressive post without really saying anything. Whatever you are going though, everything will work out.  You are a great writer.

    Lynn

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Lynn,

      Thank you so much. I am nervously anticipating a VBAC. I had a c-section with my twins almost 6 years ago, and am terrified of trying the other way…pregnancy hormones don’t help!

  • Anonymous

    Sweetie you are so much stronger then you will ever realize.. it will be painful but the most beautiful pain you will ever live through and well worth the effort.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thank you, sweet Angel. I will make it through somehow. I’m trying to get past the anxiety/anticipation. I think if I can make it to THE BIG DAY? I’ll come out okay….

  • http://inthesesmallmoments.com Nichole

    Erin…this is so painfully beautiful.
    I’ll be right here waiting to hear your birth story. I know it will be amazing.
    Much love, my friend.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Oh Nichole…

      Thank you. I am terrified and feeling undeserving and so many other hormonal things right now. Scared of this little miracle and worried I’m going to mess it all up.

  • http://profiles.google.com/randomblogette Random Blogette

    I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. Paige’s birth was such a whirlwind of chaos and emotions. I know that whatever happens you are strong and you will be ok. HUGS!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Jayme,

      How did you know I needed those hugs? Because you sent them at the perfect time. Thank you! xoxo

  • http://www.literalmom.com Missy | The Literal Mom

    You are going to do great.  Good luck.  It’s getting close now?

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Hey Missy,

      Yes, I am being induced on 10/21 unlesss she decides to show up on her own before then! Thanks for the vote of confidence!

  • Lady Jennie

    Wow.  Sending you many happy thoughts, positive ones, lots of love.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Jennie! I’m still dreaming of your eggplant recipe. Must try it soon. xoxo

  • Ann Imig

    Have faith that your path will show you exactly where you are supposed to go.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com Erin Margolin

      Ann,

      Thank you so much for stopping by to read, and for your thoughtful comments….