the last few months have been really rough.
i’ve gained a clarity i’ve not had in quite some time.
(let me be clear: all the medication i was taking was prescribed & I was under the close supervision of my doctor. it just so happens that my new doctor alerted me to the high doses i was on. i had no idea. he wanted me to back off of some (not all) the drugs, and i was eager. i even pushed him, pushed myself, to get off of everything, because i think it’s impossible to make a diagnosis (or confirm a current condition or past diagnosis) without a baseline. but who knows what my baseline is, seeing as i’ve been taking these prescriptions for 3+ years?)
so now, what i’m left with? is a different me. a new me. a somewhat unfamiliar me that’s having a tough time adjusting.
so today, friends, i gave up.
i went to my psychiatrist and refused benzos, but got a new prescription for something to help with the anxiety. i’ll give it a go. i won’t develop a physiological dependence like with Valium/Klonopin, the two benzos I’ve taken previously. my new medicine is not a benzo at all.
yet it still feels rotten. some argue that pills mask or lessen the symptoms, and i’ve never disputed that. the ultimate treatment lies inside of me, and whatever work i can do with a therapist that really knows how to help me address and resolve my issues. but, if i have a disease, i’m not sure it just goes away.
i’m on a quest to find a new therapist. I have an appointment with cognitive behavioral therapist next week. i’m looking forward to working with someone who can help me learn how to help myself.
so with that, i’m waving the white flag. i surrender. i give up. and i’ll take some magic medications at bedtime, and during the day tomorrow. and the day after that. and again and again until they make me feel better.
because, truly, there is no other answer.