Sometimes the only things that keep me going are…
commissioning a Little Free Library of our very own for our yard.
our little girl with her little legs crossed so daintily
and taking myself on a date to see The Fault in Our Stars. The book is always better than the movie, but I still had to see it.
I am tired, friends.
I’m not fighting the same battle as Hazel Grace and Gus Waters, to be sure;
And there’s danger in comparison — I know this is true.
There’s an elephant in the room, a fly in the ointment.
Things fall apart.
I am not fighting cancer.
But I am fighting for my marriage. And some days, it feels like I’m fighting for my life.
I am sitting on a lot of couches (read: therapists’ offices).
I am making apologies.
I am learning about myself.
I am learning that anger and all my feelings…are draining.
I am sapped.
This sums it up quite nicely (thank you, Kelly Corrigan):
There is no guide book for this, no handy Cosmopolitan checklist with corresponding code to see how your answers define you.
There is no one to show me the way.
But I’m using this time to learn about who I am and why I am… the way I am.
And I’m trying to use my voice. I need to.
And because I can’t just write the pretty things all the time.
I write the real things. No candy coating, no store-bought bow stuck on top.
Struggle is real.
Depression is real.
Marital issues are real.
Very few people talk about any of these frankly. And while it’s not fair for me to dive into great detail about ours, I still had to say it.
Because it’s real.
I can’t pretend everything’s okay when it isn’t.
And if you’re out there and you’re reading and this sounds familiar,
At least you know you’re not alone.
But it’s lonely out here.
I remind myself that we are not alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.
Underneath my chattering insecurities…there’s a survivor.
Thank you for listening.