Judy Blume Project : I Think I Made You Up Inside My Head

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Dana of The Kitch Witch & Kim of West Coast Posse are the brains behind the #JudyBlumeProject. Go there to read more! Below is my first ever attempt to join them.

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Dear Diary,

I can’t stop reading this Sylvia Plath poem, Mad Girl’s Love Song.

I’ve had a crush on Liam for 754 days. Yeah, we’re friends and stuff, but today something happened and it was scary and exciting and really I just don’t know what to think about it at all.

I was over at his house and his parents were out running errands. As usual we did some homework (but I hid my Latin so he couldn’t see how confused I get declining the nouns — why the hell does it have to be so hard?) together and before I could finish putting my books into my backpack, he was ON me. Tickling me, pinning me down while I squirmed and squealed. It was fun, but of course the entire time I just wanted to scream, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST KISS ME? HOW COME WE’VE NEVER KISSED?”

He got up suddenly and locked the door to his room. I swallowed hard, hoping this meant something different.

He came back over to me, playfully shoved me back onto the worn brown carpet. His hands inside my shirt, running up and down my back, underneath my bra strap. His breath coming harder and faster as the “wrestling” resumed. Could he tell my body felt like it was on fire? The warmth between my legs spread as he began rubbing up against me.

“Let’s make love, quick!” he hissed.

I think I laughed out loud only because it was so ridiculous. Diary, you know we’ve never even French kissed before. We’re 15.  And I was just realizing what all the girls at school were giggling about when they whispered about “hard-ons.”

My shirt slid up. His mouth moved down to kiss my tummy.

“Shit!” I yelped.

He looked right into my eyes for a second and then I looked away because I was embarrassed. I didn’t know what to do. But for sure I didn’t want to make the first official mouth move and get rejected. I yanked my shirt down but Liam stopped me.

Then he grabbed my wrists, pinned them down with his large hands so I couldn’t move. I saw stubble on his upper lip and remembered a can of shaving cream sitting on his bathroom counter. I was on fire, aching for something I couldn’t even name.

I didn’t know what to do, Diary. I felt stupid and partly scared because I really was stuck. His little sister must’ve heard us because she started banging on the door asking what we were doing.

I went home feeling ashamed. And it only got worse after Emma called me. Liam asked her out on a date over the weekend. She knows I have a crush on him. He must know I have a crush on him. So why did he do all those things? Am I just a blow-up doll to practice with, his toy?

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me, moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head) ~Sylvia Plath

I’ve decided I’m not good enough for him, for this to be real. I’ve made it up inside my head that a part of him likes me back because he does these things with me a lot.

The proofs we have to do in Geometry class that I have so much trouble with? Are just like Liam in a way. I fail at them both. My stupid fucking protractor and Liam’s game prove I’m just dumb and inept and gullible.

Love,
me

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  • Keely

    Yipes- pretty sure you just perfectly described every single one of my sophomore year encounters.Amazing/terrifying.

  • Greta

    Wow, Erin. I was back at 15 reading this, wondering what I would do. This is really good.

  • http://writingwishing.com/ Alison

    Erin, you need to do more of this kind of writing. This is stunning.

  • thekitchenwitch

    Dear Heavens, this is alive and vibrant and real. How traumatic to never have been kissed before by this boy and suddenly he’s down your shirt! Happened to me, too. But at least I had warning…I’d kissed him before. Great writing!

  • Sandra Galati εїз

    Wow! You had me at Dear Diary. I agree that you should do more of this kind of writing. Relatable. Excellent!

  • http://www.jenniferpwilliams.com/ Jennifer P. Williams

    I’m glad you’re back. This is fantastic. I’m inside the head of this girl, and my heart is hurting for her. I want to wrap her in a hug and tell her how smart and wonderful she is, and that she is worth SO much more than Liam’s bumbling advances.

  • http://auercommunication.com/ Kerstin Auer

    Wow. You need to write more of this, I want to read it all!

  • Robbie K

    fantastic.

  • http://www.misselaineouslife.com Elaine A.

    Your writer roots are firming planted my dear. Brilliantly painful and raw. xoxoxo

  • Katie

    So so SOO good. and terrifying. and real. and I love you.

  • aninchofgray

    Wow. Powerful and real. I felt 15 again. In a scared, confused, 15 yr old way.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      AnInchofGray / Anna,

      I think I’ll take this as a compliment and not try to second-guess myself or my writing. Coming from you, this means a lot. I’m glad I was able to evoke such feelings in you… thank you for reading and for your feedback! xo

  • http://www.twocannoli.com/ Kristin S.

    Great story. So evocative and so real! I remember these feelings and you captured them perfectly.

  • RobinFarr

    You got it just right – the details, the voice, everything.

  • http://www.worldsworstmoms.com/ Tammy

    Nice Erin, really nice. And I don’t mean that in that “She’s so nice” way that turns a perfectly good compliment all weak like bad coffee. I’m rambling. You know what I mean…

  • http://www.about100percent.com/ Andrea

    I have chills from this. You totally took me there. Great, heartbreaking, real, scary, exciting story.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Andrea,

      Your support and positive reinforcement means a lot to me. I need to force myself back into the real writing. I don’t know how. I guess just DO IT…..?
      hugs!

  • http://www.thatsvandy.com/ Brittany at That’s Vandy

    Erin this is so good. It took me back to my teenage years so fast. The voices and emotions were perfect. Now, I want to read this to Sophia when she is that age and ask what is wrong? Because in no way should the young woman be feeling rejected, but relieved that a sister knocked on the door and possibly saved her from being screwed. I kid you not. This is where my mind went. What do we give up as young women that we never mean to? How can we show our daughters that the Liams of the world, who would ever lock your wrists or make you feel trapped, would be world a damn. Why would we ever want them to call? Why can’t we tell Emma what happened? Why would she not believe her friend, and choose to date this boy. I know, this is not why you posted this, but at the same time, I believe that stories presenting real situations can be used to teach.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Brittany,

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments! No worries whatsoever! I have three daughters as well and I often think ahead to the teenage years when we may deal with boy stuff. I think we, as women, are made to feel like everything is somehow our fault. Like we asked for it, or that we were just passive and let things happen. And then there’s the self-esteem part of it. Why did this scene play out in this way? I realize it’s just a quick snapshot of a larger story/scenario, but where did Emma stand on this? Did Liam ever have feelings for her, or did he just play around because he could, or because she “let” him? I’m with you 100% about stories being used to teach. Thank you for your support and kind words! xxoo

  • Kim@Co-Pilot Mom

    So good. This is very powerful, Erin. Like some others have said, I just want to talk to her – being that age can be so confusing.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Kim,

      Thank you! Yes, the teen years are unforgiving, stressful, and rife with insecurity. I wish I could talk to her, too. And maybe I’ll see if she can write some more things in her diary? HUGS!

  • http://ohmymarta.com/ Marta

    Wow this was just so familiar, and real and true. Brilliant.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Marta,

      Thank you for your kind compliments. I’m looking for come constructive criticism as I get back into real writing…hopefully I can keep it up!