Japanese Toilets Come to Christmas at My Dad’s House –Guest Post by my brother, Kevin

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**I must preface this by saying that my dad and his partner, Kory, visited Japan a while back and fell in love with the toilets there, which normal people like us would describe as bidets. They loved them so much in fact, that when they recently moved to their new home in Mississippi, they installed several of them. Pictured is the control panel for said toilets. Sadly the flash impairs your ability to read the orange button, but all you need know for the sake of this guest post is that it reads, “STOP!” Read on for my brother Kevin’s review of these novel items. Yours truly was too afraid to try them out, but I knew I could count on Kevin. While you all know I love being green and this contraption eliminates the need for toilet paper, I just can’t seem to climb on board. Would love to know your thoughts. Thank you, Kevin!

Gross. Disgusting. Revolting. Repulsive. Trained from an early age to confine bowel movements to prison cells of embarrassment built with bricks of shame, it’s no small wonder that some people – mainly dudes – actually grow to appreciate the art of defecation. Being such a dude, I relished the opportunity to refine my excretory experience during the Christmas holiday.

I arrived at my dad’s house in Hattiesburg as the obnoxious nuclear explosion of morning light settled into a far more acceptable afternoon radiance. Waking up before noon weathers away the soul, sure and steady as the wave conquers the rock. But Christmas Day would provide a pleasant (mostly) distraction from such negative morning analogies in the form of my squealing, smiling, crying, and giggling twin nieces. Their youthful exuberance kept everyone busy throughout the day until dinner. The piping hot, butter-rich holiday meal was devoured and little four-year-old girl toots signaled its satisfying conclusion.

At this point, the 27 year-old man gas in my stomach foreshadowed a momentous and potentially impressive waste evacuation. As if she sensed the impending destruction, my dear sister, awestruck by the complexity of the control panel, nay, command console, in the downstairs water closet, double-dared me to test drive the Japanese mechatoilet. Why not use a regular toilet the reader might ask? A lesser man might have done just that, but I am my father’s son and his sense of adventure and exploration is now my own. I would see that inheritance done proper and magnificent justice.

I number two’d in the classical manner and it was indeed of substantial consequence. Let me describe the aftermath and the toilet’s role in the ensuing reconstruction.

Things do not always work out the way in which one would expect. For example, I would expect a smart toilet to understand the delicacy of my chode. Perhaps some men and women are born with steel perineums and are referred to as Japanese. Mine, however, is constructed of mere flesh and sensitive nerve endings. Therefore, a default setting of maximum warp for the built-in bidet is not recommended for the average American user. Furthermore, the rear cleansing button showed a small one legged and armless man’s flat ass being softly sprayed by water droplets. Dots signify droplets. Perhaps the manufacturer failed to find clip-art for relentless fire hydrant-style butt-shower of pain. To be fair, one can adjust the pressure, but I wanted to experience the full measure of this device. One should keep his or her finger firmly planted on the STOP button when testing its limits. As for “Front Cleansing”…what is it for? I assume it’s only for girls because it wasn’t comfortable and I would prefer not to elaborate. The dryer, however, was the saving grace of the contraption. Like an angel whispering into your butt, the terrible memory of the abusive fire hydrant and its subsequent disastrous flood was all but erased by this angelic voice. The experience came to a conclusion and I exited the lavatory a cleaner and wiser man.

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  • Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity

    Ha! Your brother is a brave man. My hubby would go nowhere near something like that. He has a heart attack if I buy generic toilet paper. He says it feels like sand paper. I do not think he would have survived the hydrant style shower!
    Too funny!

  • Larry

    Cleaner wiser offspring are every parent's goal! Fulfilled at last. DaD

  • mama-face

    Erin, Your family is so talented. Who knew writing about a toilet could be so riveting?

    "An angel whispering into your butt" hahaha

    I must have one of those toilets.

  • Shell

    Hilarious!

  • Travis

    Sweet holy toilets.

    I have never wanted to try a bidet so bad.

    I like how he was brave enough to shoot a jet of water at his balls.

    I also like the fact that he used the word "chode" in your blog.

    Kudos, brother.

  • Matty

    He has such a way with words that I almost didn't notice this was about pooping and cleaning.

  • Melissa

    LOL. So funny!

  • foxy

    Oh my! Isn't that interesting? I've never tried one of those, but now am keenly curious to find one. I need to try it for myself.

  • Aunt Juicebox

    Hmm, I could debate the whole "green" aspect. Yes, less paper waste, but uses more water? Eh. I think I'd try one, if I had the chance.

  • BigSis

    OMG! SO FUNNY! And, I had to look up the definition of chode. So, it was TRULY a learning experience!

  • Menopausal New Mom

    Okay!! That was beautiful!! Had me laughing out loud, now where can I find his blog so I can follow!

    BTW, we have a bidet at our house and I use it to shave my legs in, wouldn't let it near my private parts!

  • June Freaking Cleaver

    Sitting here avoiding my son's questions about why I'm laughing.

    Your brother needs to start blogging…and there must be a genetic link for witty in your family!

    Thanks for my first big laugh of the day!

  • Hissyfits & Halos

    LOL. I'm really at a loss for words. Who knew a hiney-cleansing, poo-going story would be so riveting? I nominate Kevin for a Pulitzer!

  • Anti-Supermom

    So freakin' funny – 'the dryer like an angel'. Just added it to my list…

    kidding.

  • Chanda @ The Eco-Cheap Mom

    Hilarious! I actually just ordered a bidet/diaper sprayer today, but it is nowhere near as high tech as this one. I must have one of these! LOL!

  • ScoMan

    It's almost like a Japanese game show. Tortutre you ANC tourment you and when you can't take any more, reward you with something very pleasant.

  • Shandal

    …Like an angel whispering into your butt… OMG Bahhahahahaha! I've got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! You're brother is hilarious! Nice review!

  • Busted Kate

    Oh. My. God. HYSTERICAL. I love "Rear Cleansing" and "Rear Cleansing-Soft". Because sometimes you need a hard cleansing, and sometimes a softer touch is needed. Hello!

  • Coffeypot

    Holy jappycrappy, I can’t wait to try one. In fact I’m going outside to get the water hose right now. Then try to talk the wife into whispering sweet nothings to my ass while blowing it with a hair dryer. I believe you have opened a whole new world of crapping for me. Thank you so much. Wife says for you to keep your shit to yourself, but I will make her come around.

  • The Blue Zoo

    OH MY GOSH! That was just too FUNNY!!! I was seriously cracking up. I always wondered about those high tech toilets, and now I know!

  • kys

    My husband is so jealous that he doesn't have one of these in his bathroom. He's always wanted an angel to whisper in his butt.

  • Moooooog35

    OMG OMG OMG I would totally buy one of these even if it didn't include a free 'football phone.'

  • Secretia

    Wouldn't take one of these devices for free.

  • Alex

    We went to Japan last year and the first thing I did when we got to our hotel was play with the toilet. I even taped it on my camera (I WASN'T PEEING AT THE TIME) just playing with the buttons. It squirted all over the Hilton bathroom. Hilarious.

  • Mindy

    Tim served a mission for our church in Argentina and has always wanted a bidet at home. He swears by them. This will prob be his next Birthday gift. I was dubious, but they would be awesome for cloth diapers and the money you'd save on toilet paper. Win. Win. ;0)

  • Mindy

    So, just told my hubby about this post and how some people swear they'd never use one. He cracks me up b/c he wanted me to post this for him. And I quote: "If you got poop all over your hands, would you grab a paper towel? No, you'd clean them with water. The same rule applies to your butt." So funny! I'll have to have him "guest" post when we get a bidet, although not sure he's quite as funny as your brother! lol

  • gayle

    So funny!! I have always wanted to try one!!

  • Working Mommy

    I must admit that while I do like the definitive clean of tp…I LOVE using Japanese toilets. Granted you need to read a 5000 page manual before using one – they are still VERY cool – once you figure it out!

    ~WM

  • Mrsblogalot

    LOL! I'm definitely in for one…maybe two!

  • Carol

    LMAO!
    Last year when we were in Mexico our room had the standard manual bidet and when Ward came down with the trots the bidet was his best friend. We even pondered where we could possibly fit one in one of our bathrooms!

  • Naomi de la Torre

    I'm sold. I must have one. Immediately. BTW I recently foumd your blog but you are awesome and I just gave you a bloggy award on my site. I'm quite sure that you probaly get about 800 of these all the time, but I think you are hilarious so here you are: http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=90

  • Daffy

    I would so totally try one of those! I almost didn't read the whole post. I sort of got lost in daydreaming about hitting the "pulsating" button over and over and over…..

  • Sarah

    This is funny…I've actually been to Japan so was able to try out the "special" toilets. We actually took a trip to a mall that had this special bathroom. My Chinese MIL was really into it.

  • adrienzgirl

    Goodness gracious! I laughed so hard! Kevin truly has a gift!

    Still not sure about the bidet though.

  • Anita

    So that was the highlight of your trip! I would not have guessed that, as they say, in a million years.

  • Helene

    You know, I've always wondered exactly what a bidet did. Now I know. I don't think I'll ever try one, based on your brother's review, which BTW was freakin hilarious!!!! Talented writers obviously run in the family!

  • Mad Woman

    Ha!! Hotty Hubby thought that was hilarious!! And so did I.

  • Noelle

    gulp. i am speechless. and that does not happen very often.

    i'm not sure who i love more…you for NOT posting such lurid details or your brother for having the balls, albeit CLEAN balls, to post such lurid details. either way, i love ya. and your adventurous brother.

  • MJ

    you know, some women would kill to have such a device in their home – just saying!

  • A Mom With A view

    I must admit I knew what "chode" was…my kids told me years ago when they kept calling this kid at school chode..and I was like wahhh..?? any way this is the funniest shit Ive heard in days…LMAO..his eloquent rendition is right on…Im sharing this with the hub..I think he'll really understand this blogging thing if I do..this is the kind of thing "bromances" are made of…toilet talk, sharing shit stories and "chode" challenges…ahhh men..!!

  • The Peach Tart

    I can't believe your Dad actually has this. I do love a bidet but never seen one this elaborate.

  • Arizona Mamma

    Your brother is a talented writer! Funny post…but I will stick with what I know ;)

  • Cathy

    I lost it when I read "angel whispering into your butt"! Hi.lar.i.ous.

  • Two Normal Moms

    So funny I had to share with my husband, who laughed along with me. (What guy can't appreciate another's BM stories, anyway?)
    Oh, I'm still wiping tears away…
    ROFL! You REALLY didn't try it? I don't know if I could have resisited…
    ***Ally

  • Elaine A.

    there isn't much else I can say except for "Oh My…"

    You should thave ried the "front cleansing" I mean really… C'MON, it's for your readers!! ;-)

    Great post Kevin.

  • Holly

    Sort of speechless….so glad I did not miss this post. Quite vivid.

  • leigh

    I want an angel to whisper into my butt. That sounds fantastic!

    XO
    Leigh

  • Kriste

    I laughed so hard I snorted!!! I'm pretty sure that is the only Japanese toliet in the whole state of Mississippi.

  • Amy

    Ok, this was so absolutely hilarious that I read it out loud to my husband! This was seriously the most well written, witty thing I have EVER read!!!

    Oh, and by the way…I read your brother's Saints post after Katrina! Brilliant! (Thanks for sending!)

    If he isn't a professional writer he should be! Very talented.

  • SupahMommy

    angel whispering

    dying laughing

    kudos bro! well written
    xoxo

  • MiMi

    Oh my heck! He is FUNNY! This is hilarious. Seriously freakin' hilarious! He should get a blog too. :)

  • Amy C

    Hilarious!! I love his writing style!

  • Sam

    when i was in japan, the toilets were not as sophisticated. they were just a hole in the floor. but very clever none the less. love this post. keri

  • Andrea (ace1028)

    Don't know how I missed this post when your brother shared his "bidet" experience with the world of bloggers. Hilarious. I am quite entertained by his report, and agree, he should start his own blog. Perhaps scour the land for various methods of toilet use? I met my first (and only) bidet in Spain. 'Twas, shall we say, interesting.

  • Tony

    I was checking out some of my friend's blogs and happen to come across yours – oh man this was so funny. I was laughing out loud when I read that the dryer was "like an angel whispering into your butt"

    I'm off to read more of your blog now. Take care.

  • Andrea (ace1028)

    OK, just posted a random giveaway type post and made a reference back to your post here:

    http://goodgirlgoneredneck.blogspot.com/2010/01/over-or-under.html

    :D

  • Michele

    What a great post. Kudo's to your brother. i would love to have me one of those at home.
    too cool.

    Just found you from the link on Andrea's blog.. seems like we have a few bloggy friends in common. How is it we never "met" until now?? LOL

    Anyway, what a great site. I look forward to reading more!!! ;)

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