In a Groove? Stream of Consciousness Sunday

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Today’s (totally) optional prompt at Jana’s: Groove? In it or out of it?

**cheating. longer than 5 minutes b/c using stuff I journaled last week that is very raw.**

lots on my plate; heaping piles of things I’m infatuated with like Listen To Your Mother : Kansas CitySubmissions are open through 2/15, and there’s so much I could write, but I’m scared. Yes, I’m the co-producer & co-director, and I’m scared to submit. p.s. you don’t have to be a writer to submit. Or a woman. Or a mother. The stories just have to be about motherhood—maybe about your own mom, your adopted mom, someone who was like a mother to you? SO much in my head about my mom & the days that make up my own motherhood journey—which I am DEFINITELY NOT in a groove with. whatsoever.

This was my last week: juggling motherhood in all of its guts and glory in addition to the things I’m passionate about. NO GROOVE. THERE WAS NOTHING GROOVE-Y / GROOVY about any of it.

The Gay Dad Project final fundraiser days (yes, we did it, we raised our initial $20K to get started, woot!) about killed me and i journaled this the last few days:

the clogged toilet debacle Tuesday. had to use a wire hanger to fix it, plunger alone wouldn’t work. hands in shit water. husband not home. kids doing homework, me screaming at them, crying, did not want to have to pay roto rooter to come. no, i wasn’t the one who clogged it up. thank god baby was napping.

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at same time, dog ate girls’ oranges and vomited them up all over carpet. izzy struggled through 2 hours of vision therapy homework in addition to regular homework.

no patience. mean mommy came out.

i keep sharing about the gay dad project and people are sick of it and we have 43 hours left and my nephew is being born today and i can’t be there and i can’t stop crying and i can’t eat and i can’t sleep and i can’t leave the computer and i can’t show and i can’t think and i can’t i can’t i can’t show how upset all of this makes me to anyone.

i had my hands in a toilet full of shit and toilet paper and shitty water. the plunger didn’t work. after an hour i undid a wire hanger and used that. i got out wads of toilet paper.

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finally after crying and wanting to vomit into the toilet bowl of shit i opened a bottle of wine and new box of clorox wipes and cleaned the toilet and bathroom and changed my clothes and drank and cried and RTd stuff on twitter and got blown off by Ellen Degeneres’ agent’s assistant’s assistant’s assistant who probably didn’t even read my email or show it to anyone. i should’ve known better than to try.

 

i’m struggling with my dad over the last few months and don’t understand why he hasn’t helped spread the word about the gay dad project campaign despite my support of him over all these years. we talked for a bit yesterday but i didn’t say enough. so now i want to email him but i can’t /shouldn’t because my nephew/his grandson is literally being BORN today in new orleans. it’s not the right time to talk. and i can’t be there to hold my nephew and that kills me.

i wish i knew what to say to get people to listen but it won’t mean anything and i am so exhausted in every way i can’t even compose coherenent thoughts and i cannot spell and i can’t stop crying and i hate myself right now and i’m sad and angry and i have a headache and a knot in my shoulder and…

end.

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  • http://janasthinkingplace.com Jana Anthoine

    I love you, Erin. I hope writing that out has helped. I hope you take a deep breath after reading it again and realize that you WILL be ok.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Jana,

      Writing this out did help. And thanks for the link up and prompt, as always. XOXO

  • http://www.facebook.com/greta.funk.7 Greta Funk

    I wanted to tell you a couple of days ago that for better or worse, the GDP fundraiser would be over soon, and that maybe you would get a chance to breathe. I was afraid you would take it the wrong way, though, and I knew that (of course) the work on it was only just beginning. I understand how you must feel. Not perfectly, but all week long I was thinking about how much stress you were under as that clock was ticking, ticking, ticking down and how it must be eating you alive. I’m glad that you get a chance to breathe, and I hope, even with the LTYM stuff, you can find a balance so you don’t end up in that state again. And up to your elbows in shit (literally and figuratively). You’re amazing. xoxoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Greta,

      Your last part about up to my elbows in shit…made me almost pee my pants. Thank you for that. As you get to know me more, you will likely think me less amazing. AND WHEN ARE WE GOING SHOPPING? WTF? ;-)

  • http://www.fromtracie.com From Tracie

    If that had been my day – I would have lost it. Completely lost it.

    You know what I see here? You made your goal. That is HUGE. Congratulations. You put in SO MUCH WORK to do that, and it happened. I’m proud of you. You have a chance to think about what you really want to say to your dad, and how you want to say it. That is a blessing. You should be honest with him, but waiting until after your nephew was born was a good choice. You miss your family. That sucks. I hope you can hold that new nephew soon. You are stronger than you think, even in the middle of a shitty mess.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Thank you, Tracie. We did put in a lot of work and I’m realizing that it’s truly only the beginning. This thing is like birthing a baby. We just conceived it (w/ the startup $$) and now we can actually start working on it…I’m nervous and stressed and daring to be hopeful. We’ll see. Thank you for your support and love. XOXO

  • Mamaintheburbs

    Erin…. I’m so proud of the fundraising you did for The Gay Dad Project! I’ve never seen anybody work as hard as you and Aimee did. I really hope you are taking time to reflect and give yourself a pat on the back. You did it!

    Congratz on becoming an Auntie! Sorry you couldn’t be there to hold your nephew. I’m sure everybody knows you wanted to be there.

    I just wanted to stop by and say YAY you did it!!!!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Mamaintheburbs,

      Yeah, Amie and I worked hard….and the crazy thing is that we’re kinda realizing that there’s only more hard work ahead. But we can do it! We’re excited and nervous and grateful and so lucky to have supportive friends like you! xo

  • Laura P

    I love this. You are so honest and I so have been there. Some weeks are better than others, but I get how you could have lost it. I think we all have had that happen. *hugs*

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Laura P.,

      I’m glad you admit to that because honestly there are people out there who don’t. I’ve never understood why. I mean, aren’t we all in this thing together? Thank you for reading and for your kind words. And yes, I totally lost it. ;-(

  • Robin @ Farewell Stranger

    I hear you. I hear you and I totally understand. And I think you’re amazing.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Robin,

      So did my mad toilet skillz win you over or was it my panic attack over same? LOL xoxoxoxox

  • Mindy

    Ah, I can sign relate to having so much on my plate and not feeling the motherhood groove lately. I actually have a toddler who is obsessed with his father (probably because he carries him everywhere and caters to his every whim) and I’m frustrated and jealous. And wishing I could spoil him too, but there’s two other kids and I’m with him all day and so much to do. Anyway, I feel totally off my groove and this really resonated with me.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Mindy,

      You’re not alone, babe. Definitely not alone. My kids prefer their daddy, too. Probably b/c he, too, caters to their every whim and says YES when I say NO. It’s hard playing the role of the mean mommy. But someone’s gotta do it. And I hope sometime soon I’ll get my groove back….thanks so much for reading & leaving me some love! Happy weekend!

  • kenyagjohnson

    So what I think you need to do is finish that bottle of wine and start over tomorrow. I’m sorry Drano and a plunger couldn’t do the trick for you. I’ll look into the writing thing you mentioned.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Kenya,

      If the toilet hadn’t been so full, I’d have tried the Drano. But the damage had already been done. Kids just don’t get it. #toomuchtoiletpaper

  • southmainmuse

    You must be exhausted. It’s only when you are rested and with hindsight, that you will be able to see all that you did accomplish. You made your goal and a very ambitious one. That is something to be very proud of. You started something. Gave birth to a place for people to be heard. Maybe we can only find what we are truly capable of when we push ourselves way out of our comfortable groove?

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Southmainmuse,

      Love your last line—and yes, I need to push myself out of my comfort zone/groove MORE. I just don’t know how. I guess I just need to dive in. And I’m still exhausted, reeling from it all. But I suppose that feeling may continue, LOL! We are making a documentary, right? ;-) Happy Friday and thanks for stopping by!

  • http://www.misselaineouslife.com Elaine A.

    Mean Mommy made an appearance around here this week and I wasn’t under nearly as much stress as you!! I’m sorry, honey. I just want to come over and share a glass (or three) of wine and hug you. What you did this week was amazing and of course what you continue to do. Try not to stress too much (I know, I know…) Love you… xoxoxoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Elaine,

      we can share some wine at #Blissdom!!! and thank you for your continued love and support. you are the sweetest. I can’t wait to see you and hug you SO HARD! ps. thanks for letting me know I’m not the only Mean Mommy around…love you and your honesty! xoxo

  • Larks

    God, that sounds tiring. I think we all have those moments where we’re like “Everything is going wrong and I am literally and figuratively elbow deep in shit and – also – about to lose mine.” I’ve been following the Gay Dad Project’s efforts and think you’re doing an amazing job for an amazing project. Hang in there!

  • http://writingwishing.com/ Alison

    You accomplished so much with the Gay Day Project, and I (and so many) are so freaking proud of you. You need to be kinder to yourself.

    Stupid clogged toilets.

    Love you. xoxoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Alison,

      Perhaps I should pursue a career in plumbing instead of writing? I mean, clearly I have talent when it comes to the hanger and the plunger…??? i love you MORE!

  • http://www.mommy-miracles.com Laura

    Oh my. I felt you here. I felt FOR you here. Your words are so raw. I’m sorry it was so hard, especially at the end. Big things are often the hardest. And you have and are doing a big, awesome thing. I hope all of this turns around if it hasn’t already.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Laura,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave me some kindness here i the comments. Greatly appreciated. I honestly do not know how I got through that. All I can say is thank goodness for hangers! LOL

  • Sandra

    Erin, as a friend of mine always says when I’m over the top with worry and doubt about anything and everything … “You’re all balled up!” like a piece of crumpled up notepaper, with all your thoughts and dreams and desires on it that are just asking to be thrown into the circular file. It will take some tender loving care to straighten this out, but you will. Once you do, erase the negative. You’ll get this figured out; I know you will. And for heaven’s sake get your hands out of the shit! … metaphorically speaking, of course. Sending groovy thoughts your way. Good night, friend. :) (((HUGS)))

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Sandra,

      Thanks for the HUGS, sweets! I am definitely all balled up, though not quite as much as I was when this was posted. I wish I knew how to erase the negative…but at least I got my hands out of the shit! LOL! xoxoxo

  • http://thediamdondgal.com/ TheDiamondGal

    And…you survived. You have made it through one of the hardest parts and toughest parts, hands in shit water and all. And…you survived.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Diamond Gal,

      Hands in shit water reminds me of shit marks in the toilet…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! xoxoxo love you!

  • http://twitter.com/RASJacobson Renee Jacobson

    I had my hands in the crapper this weekend, too. I dropped one of those heat packs down my pants to stay warm, and then I had to pee. And then I did. And then it was in the toilet. That sucked.

    Also sucking is the fact that I have an audition lined up in New York on 2/23. And I want to go. But I can’t afford to fly to New York overnight 3 times. It’s ridiculous. I haven’t told Holly or Varda yet, but I have to cancel. I don’t have anyone to stay with (no one I know has that kind of room in their apartments), so I’m out.

    But I’m in for BlissDom. ANd my business cards came today. ANd I like them (well enough). So yay. So there’s a lot of in and out and in and out. We’ll be okay. Both of us. Probably.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Renee,

      My heart aches for you for this—that you can’t make both things work…did you already cancel? I know you will love Blissdom and everything, but LTYM is awesome, too. I hate that you have to miss the audition….????? ps. i want to see your biz cards! xoxoxo

  • Kat Biggie

    Hands in the crapper is the WORST!!! :-) Sorry you are having a rough time. It’s stress. Take a deep breath and remember that you are doing something that is going to change the lives of an entire generation of children. That is no small feat! And, mean mama came out of me this weekend too, and I don’t have near as much on my plate! Congrats on making your goal. You have worked so hard!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Kat,

      Thank you so much! you are so sweet! ps thanks for admitting that mean mommy came out for you as well. Makes me feel like I’m not so alone. XOXO

  • Lady Jennie

    Ooooooh my heart just aches for you reading this!! (I think it was nearly a week ago, so hopefully everything is much better now). And – you raised your goal? How did I miss that?

    Sending you big hugs, lots of kudos, congratulations on your baby nephew and all that love from over here.