I Had a VBAC, or There’s a Bowling Ball in My Lady Bits.

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I’ve been quiet & you haven’t heard much from me

Because I barely have time to breathe or to pee.

Sometimes I want to bang my head against a wall

And in between my legs it feels like there is a giant, heavy

BOWLING BALL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why oh why did the doc encourage me to have a VBAC?

Because he was a man; hence bona fide childbirth experience he lacked.

My baby girl is a doll, there’s no doubt.

But I’m in awe of the place where her head came out.

She is lovely and Piper is her name–

Though I fear my vajayjay will never be the same.

The End.

pssst….did you catch my Mommy Monologues post over at Aiming Low?

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  • http://terrisonoda.com Terri Sonoda

    So, I just spit my ice tea all over the place.   Love this Erin!  So happy to see you blogging.  Miss you!

  • http://janasthinkingplace.com Jana Anthoine

    Ouch. Just ouch. 

    • http://twitter.com/squashedmom Varda

      Well, I had my twins via planned C-section (1 in a bad / dangerous position), and my family is DONE, so I will never know firsthand of what you speak. The visual aid for this post, though? Priceless. 

      I realized I hadn’t done it yet (my bad, busy month) so came over to say hello and congrats on the new baby. Hope your brain cells are holding up, as you get through these first 3 crazy months. Your daughter is beautiful (like her mom).

  • http://twitter.com/buriedwithkids buriedwithchildren

    That is just wrong in my book. My doctor said I could try a VBAC for my triplets. I laughed at him and walked, no waddled, out of the office. 

  • Holly504Main

    No you won’t be the same…sorry to tell ya that (I think they have plastic surgery for that now though). My cousin had a VBAC and afterward said if she ever had another kid to just cut her open.
    CONGRATS to you and you rfamily!

  • http://www.fromtracie.com From Tracie

    Oh my gosh. laughing.so.hard. (kind of feeling bad about it, but you are just too funny)

  • http://profiles.google.com/randomblogette Random Blogette

    That was so awesome that I had to read it to Dave. He said it was awesome too. Kudos to you doll for having a VBAC. You are brave and I am so sorry for your vajayjay issues. I am so glad that I had a c-section.

  • http://www.misselaineouslife.com Elaine A.

    I think it’s pretty awesome that you had a VBAC.  But I totally get this because I had a VBBC and that is why I chose to have subsequent c-sections.  I hope you heal quickly and well. xo

  • Anonymous

    It will get better momma I promise if it didn’t there would never be follow up kids to the first time vaginal deliveries think about it.. KEGELS are your friend trust me

  • Mindy

    Ok. So, I’ve had 3 vaginal deliveries and I always wondered if I was the only one who thought things seemed…um…lmore bowling ball-esque. We should talk. 

  • http://www.thewatson6.blogspot.com jessica

    Oh I always wondered about how that would be but one after another I always had to have a c-section. Ugh, crossing my legs for you.

  • http://www.theumbels.com Evonne

    Just because a man went to school to learn that the natural way to give birth is vaginal does NOT mean he will ever understand it.  And logically, how is it natural to fit something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a dime?

    Recovery sucks, but it does get better.  I promise.

  • Ally

    Oh, owww! I’m totally laughing with you, not at you. Well, now that you’ve HAD your baby, I’ll tell you – the morning after having my son through natural childbirth, I proclaimed that if I had more children, I wanted them to be born by scheduled C-section and I wanted to be knocked out. haha. Of course after a few years I softened (not enough to have more kids, but softer anyway), but I still remember saying it like it was yesterday! I won’t talk about the episiotomy and abscessed stitch. You are too funny. Good to see a post from you.

  • Anonymous

    Bahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Seriously.

  • http://twitter.com/sellabitmum Tracy Morrison

    So good to see you. I’ve been wondering about your vagina. lol

  • Juliecgardner

    “I’m in awe of the place where her head came out.”
    I’m pretty sure Dr. Seuss wrote a book about that, didn’t he?

    Either way, you rhyme even better than he did. 
    Plus, he didn’t have a vagina. 

    I think.

  • http://www.babesrockinmami.com Stephanie

    Hahaha love this!  Have missed seeing you pop up in my reader!

  • http://quasiagitato.com Christine Siracusa

    I had two c-sections. Soooo it’s like what? Sense memory? Like her head isn’t there anymore but you feel like it is? Birth is so weird.

  • http://twitter.com/squashedmom Varda

    Well, I had my twins via planned C-section (1 in a bad / dangerous position), and my family is DONE, so I will never know firsthand of what you speak. The visual aid for this post, though? Priceless.  

    I realized I hadn’t done it yet (my bad, busy month) so came over to say hello and congrats on the new baby. Hope your brain cells are holding up, as you get through these first 3 crazy months. Your daughter is beautiful (like her mom).

  • Mommynanibooboo

    My vagina is sending yours big, fat, traumatized hugs right now.

  • http://twitter.com/ByWordsMusings Nicole Morgan

    She lives!  So lovely to see you writing in your blog … altho you are doing a damn fine job around the blogosphere … and am sure looking as lovely as ever.

  • Lady Jennie

    In France, you get covered post-delivery for kegal training.  Did you know that your perineum (you know that thing that stretches for the bowling ball to go through?) is actually like a hammock that stretches from one hip bone to another, holding your organs in place?  The kegals tighten the hammock.  Hope you’re up to speed soon!

  • http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian

    Love this. And sigh. Been there. Not the VBAC, but two almost 9-pounders in less than two years. Reminds me of a quote from what was once my favorite show, “Mad About You” that giving birth is like pulling a pot roast out of a Pringles can.

  • http://www.literalmom.com Missy | The Literal Mom

    That was funny, you can be sure.
    And I’m so glad you’re in love with her.

    Sorry your privates feel like a ball.
    How did the doctors have the gall?
    :)

  • http://www.iasoupmama.com IASoupMama

    Many congratulations on your miracle Piper! 

    So sorry about your lady bits.  My first (and his 90th percentile head) cause my doc to give me an episiotomy… twice.  My second came flying out and i argued with the on-call OB that her head was, indeed, smaller than my son’s even though she was 8oz heavier.  You don’t forget those details…

    And the twins were delivered by Dr. Large Hands, whose hands were roughly the size of polar bear paws.  When he stuck his paw in there halfway up his forearm to break Willa’s water, every woman in the room shuddered.   I wanted to deliver them naturally as I had my daughter, but when he walked into the room and I saw the frying pans he called hands, I signed up for the epidural ASAP.

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