I Don’t Wanna

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Today’s SOC prompt via Fadra:

Call it whining. Call it ranting. Call it first world problems. I have perspective but sometimes there are things you just don’t want to do. Maybe you’re tired or you need a break or you’d rather spend your hard-earned money elsewhere. But there’s got to be something you don’t want to do. I’m full of those things tonight and I’m going to let them all out.

Today’s Prompt: What are the things in your life right now that you just don’t want to do?

  1.  I don’t wanna think about having hernia surgery (again) and getting my tubes tied. Especially when just yesterday D said something to the tune of, “Wouldn’t it be cool to have a fourth?” while looking at Piper. He was daydreaming, and we both know I can’t, due to my Dead Vagina Walking. Because even after five months, my vagina is still dead. Really REALLY dead. And if we have another, that means shelving my dreams again. Which sounds selfish, but I just won’t do it. As much as I love all three of my children. I HAVE TO WRITE.
  2. I don’t wanna think about writing a book with Jared about our gay dads. But it’s ALL I can think about. I eat, sleep and dream The Book. The thoughts litter the floor of my brain like leaves and when I grab a fistful, they crumple into dry, crunchy pieces. I’m scared. The Book is looming and large. It waits for me. I know it’s not going anywhere, only I/we can write it, yet tempus fugit (Latin: time flies). Like sand through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives. Or something.
  3. I don’t wanna think about going to BlogHer. Yes, I’m going. Yes, I bought an actual ticket and reserved an actual hotel room. And I’m fucking scared out of my mind. But The Empress told me I have to just take the leap (not just about BlogHer, but in general, with lots of things). So I am. In lots of little ways. BlogHer is a fucking HUGE leap. What is it, like 5,000 bloggers? Hold me.
  4. I don’t wanna hope that I could squeak into the final running for BlogHer’s  Voices of the Year. Empress is the one who kindly nominated my post (What I’m Afraid Of). I don’t wanna hope for it because I’ll choke if it doesn’t happen and really? I should just be fucking grateful that someone as incredible as Alexandra nominated me in the first place and that people have voted for me. If you want to vote for my post, please CLICK HERE. (shameless self-promotion)
  5. I don’t wanna let my sweet Piper to grow up. I’m smitten. I love holding her close when she’s tired. She mmMmMmMmm’s and gurgles into my neck and uses her baby fingernails to scratch the couch pillow behind me. She loves textures. She drools and blows bubbles into my shirt and her silky hair slays me as she tumbles her head back and forth, fighting sleep after a bottle. And oh, her feet. Those baby feet and chubby knees. I fight loving her so fiercely because I didn’t get to bond like this with the twins. It seems selfish and unfair and biased and mean. But I can’t help myself. I love her beyond words. My miracle, my little red bean.

 

The End.

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  • http://twitter.com/momma23monkeys momma23monkeys

    I love love love the pic of Piper! Being a grown up sucks doesn’t it? It sounds like you have a lot of big things on the horizon and they will be worth it in the end…it’s just taking the initial leap that is so damn hard.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Robbie,

      Thank you so much! And you’re right…the initial leap and the anticipation of it are what make things really difficult. Le sigh.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      thank you so so much!!! and yes, leaping is hard!

  • http://angelaamman.com/ Angela Amman

    You are going to do all of those things, and you will be amazed at your strength and your voice. I can’t wait to see what your project with Jared grows into. Though I get wanting to keep a little one around :)

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Angela,

      Thank you, friend. I hope you’re right. And I’m looking forward to summer when I’ll have more time to write (or at least this is the way I am planning it out NOW!).
      xoxox

  • http://twitter.com/ksluiter Kate Sluiter

    Oh girl.  Part of me wishes I was going to BlogHer with you just to be your buddy.  Last year I was such a mess that I didn’t allow myself to really think through everything and relax like I would have liked to.  You will be GREAT though.  And you bet your ass I voted for your piece for Voice of the Year!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Katie,

      Thank you so much, sweets. I wish you were coming to BlogHer….are you sure it can’t work?!?! I know it’s hard to leave baby/kids behind, though.
      xo

  • Frelle

    beautiful. and heartfelt.  Im so glad you vented here :)  I went to BlogHer last year, and I’m going this year.  It IS big, but you’ll do fine. Ill hold your hand when you freak out and leave you little notes of encouragement under your door! 

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Frelle,

      I love you and your notes! Is there a Hallmark booth? LOL
      xoxoxoox

  • http://navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com/ Casey B

    Hey, Erin. 

    Great post, full to the brim with your usual honesty. I’m sorry to hear of your difficulties with points one and two. Points three and four are awesome…after I’m done commenting here, I’m going to go and reread your post, then vote for you. Congrats on getting it together to go to Blogher, even doing that takes guts, and you’ve proved that you’ve got guts by achieving all that you have so far. Finally, you know of course that by letting your daughter grow up, you’ll be doing her a service…although I can understand why you don’t want to at this moment in time- she’s cute as a button. 

    Thanks for alerting me to SOC Sunday, too- will be good to do one once in a while to break up my blog for me, more than anything. 

    Best wishes, 

    Casey

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Casey,

      I’ve been an SOC lurker forever, and now I’m addicted! I just need to make the rounds to some of the other posters. I am soooo behind with everything (including this reply, sorry!), it’s so hard to keep my head above water with this baby!

  • http://www.ladybluejay.com/ Jayla

    Going to BlogHer is HUGE and I think you will do just fine. I have only read a handful of your posts, but already I can see you are a fantastic writer.

    I am going to vote for you.

    Best of luck with all your endeavors! :-)

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Jayla,

      Thank you so much. I really appreciate your stopping by to read and comment. And thank you for your vote of confidence! ;-)

  • http://twitter.com/smiley_soleil Kate

    I am contemplating having a fourth, which would be our sixth, but that is because I am a glutton for punishment. I too am going to BlogHer and haven’t a clue as to what possessed me to think I could do this… I am such a chicken shit, socially inept human being, who gets anxious in crowds, but I bought a ticket and will commute back and forth unless someone lets me crash with them. I voted and I am keeping fingers and toes crossed for you. ;-)

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Kate,

      I don’t think we are chicken shit, even though I keep saying it. I actually think we’re brave for going. So we’re newbies, so what? We can stick together and muddle through together.
      Where are you commuting from?

      xoxo

  • Gooddayregularpeople

    Feels good to acknowledge the I Don’t Wanna, doesn’t it? It gets so hard to always talk yourself out of feeling anything that’s night light and fluff, but sometimes the energy is gone and you just look around and think I Just Don’t Want to.
    I am so glad you’re going to BlogHer. Really, it is like visiting another planet. The sheer numbers. I just remember smiling, when within half an hour of checking in to San Diego, I heard all these bloggers saying “numbers” “audience” “page views” etc. It was like I had finally found the mother ship.

    It’s so big, you can be anonymous: I love that.

    I’m excited to finally sit and talk with you, Erin. We’ve known each other for so very long.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Alexandra,

      I’m excited, too. And I apologize for the late reply. I am swimming underwater most days. Thank you again for nominating my post…even if it doesn’t go anywhere, I love that you thought enough of me to offer and do it. I paid it forward, and will continue to do so until we can’t nominate anymore…Meeting you will be the highlight of an amazing trip to NYC!

  • http://twitter.com/TheMommyMess Adrienne

    BlogHer sounds HUGE. I’m sure that doesn’t  make you feel any better, though huh? You can do it! Good luck on that nomination. I will send a prayer your way!

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Adrienne,

      I know, it IS huge—like 4000 bloggers I think? But I’m trying not to think about it. Thanks for the comments and prayers. I appreciate your stopping by to read and wish me well.
      ;-)

  • http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com LeeBlock

    There are so many things I don’t wanna do…it would be an entire book and will take the entire time I am there to tell you.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Lee,

      I love you. Hope you are doing okay. Will call you again later this week.
      xoxoxoxo

  • http://twitter.com/BocaFrau Susi K

    Oh, I can relate to not wanting to do some things, some time. I look at my youngest and wish I could stop time for just a little while. She seemed to have grown-up the fastest of all and I miss those baby days on occasion. Also, have you thought about hubby getting a vasectomy??? It’s a lot easier than a woman having her tubes tied. We had to make the decision right after our last was born due to health issues and I had said I would get my tubes tied but in the end hubby bit the bullet… Just a thought!!! And after reading many of your posts I am sure you will make a splash at Blog Her. Good luck with everything.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Susi,

      Maybe you can talk my husband into getting snipped? He’s a wee bit chicken shit. I have to have hernia surgery anyway, so it seems like it’ll just be easiest for me to be the one to do it, you know?

      Thanks for the luck—I need it!

  • http://www.thevirtualasst.com Michelle Mangen

    I’m going to go with what Lee said…there are sooooo many things I don’t wanna do. My biggest ones right now is to even think about finding another place to move, how I’m going to pay the IRS and re-structuring my business. (and another that popped into my head yesterday is even thinking about my son being old enough to drive next year and all that it entails!) 

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Michelle,

      Whoa. Take a deep breath! You are freaking ME out! But at least you have awhile until your kiddo is ready to drive. Pour yourself a glass of vino and put your feet up. It sounds like you need to relax!

      HUGS!
      xoxooxox

  • http://www.thekircorner.com Kir

    don’t you know you’re amazing??? I don’t wanna a lot, I don’t wanna for lots of reasons and my self esteem is a big part of it for sure. I never feel GOOD ENOUGH but YOU are. I’m going to be at BlogHer and I’m going to hug hug hug you. xoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Kir,

      We are both going to be there—-and you know what? We are going to have a blast. I cannot wait to meet you in person after all these years. I never feel good enough, either. When I clicked on “purchase,” I almost threw up. Don’t sell yourself short and you’re not the only one feeling this way!

  • http://makemommygosomethingsomething.com/ Kimberly

    I don’t think i have balls big enough to go to BlogHer…i totally get that…not the balls…the fear. I’m glad you’re taking that leap because your writing is brilliant. You belong there friend.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      Kimberly,

      MY writing is brilliant? What about you?? YOU BELONG THERE, TOO, Any chance I could talk you into it? We could get a group of newbies together? I have a room, but no roommates….

  • http://babywithatwist.wordpress.com/ KeAnne

    I’ve really enjoyed reading your writing, Erin!  One day I hope to make it to BlogHer, but it scares me to death right now.  And oh how I agree with #5.  My son is turning 3 in June, and it seems like every day we are putting away something from his babyhood.  He might be our only one, so it’s doubly bittersweet.

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin margolin

      KeAnne,

      BlogHer scares me to death, too. That’s why you should GO WITH ME! ;-)

      Thanks so much for reading.

  • Elaine A.

    I really, REALLY hope to get to read that post at BlogHer! xoxo

    • http://www.erinmargolin.com/ Erin Margolin

      Elaine,

      And I REALLY hope you COME TO BLOGHER!!! xoxoxoxo