An Infertile’s Guide to Pregnancy

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1.) Believe you cannot get pregnant without in vitro fertilization, artificial insemination, or any variety of drug cocktails. Because after all, you have PCOS, so you never ovulate.

2.) Take birth control pills.

3.) Take a pill late; double up the next day.

4.) Lather, rinse, repeat.

5.) Drink lots of Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay and Abita Strawberry; enjoy loads of goat cheese, Caesar salad, and tuna.

6.) Navigate your way through a  major depressive episode that prompts your doctor to increase your dosage of Cymbalta.

7.) Rejoice in the fact that you’re *almost* back down to your svelte pre-marriage & pre-pregnancy weight, and be proud of your rigorous exercise regimen.

8.) Give away all your kids’ old baby things, clothes and cribs. Because you’re “done.”

9.) Get your own fancy blog and domain name, vow to begin writing daily, especially utlizing the early morning hours; for the first time in your life, feel like you are finding yourself and doing what you love. Get excited because your kids are starting kindergarten this fall and you’ll have so much time to write.

10.) Splurge on a dainty little summer dress from Anthropologie. That you may never be able to squeeze into again.

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  • Poconut21

    It sounds like the perfect recipe! I too had trouble after my first. Miscarriage then nothing for a few years. Gave away the baby stuff… Belle started Kindergarten… Made piece with only having one child. Wham! Bam! Thank you, Ma’am! In popped Morgan! Ha, ha! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!

    • Anonymous

      thanks, Kate! We are thrilled! ;-)

  • Erin Roseberry

    So, were you, or weren’t you pregnant at Blissdom? Just curious….. : )

    • Erin

      We don’t know! I wasn’t keeping track of my cycles since we weren’t trying…I am 11 weeks now, so it’s possible. That measurement is ultrasound based. Crazy, huh?!?

  • Elaine

    I’m wondering how many people reading this are wondering what Abita Strawberry is because I TOTALLY would have before moving here – ha ha!

    And I’m guessing you’ll be able to wear that dress with no problem some day.

    So happy for you Momma! :D

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I guess I should’ve put a link to Abita on there. LOL! Another episode of pregnancy brain!

  • Jana An Attitude Adjustment

    So this wasn’t planned? Because I know this makes me weirdly knowledgeable, but since you were devoting yourself so much to writing, I was really surprised that you then got pregnant! It is really crazy how this works, huh? It’s such a treasure, though, to have this opportunity. Good luck to you, and congrats.

    • Anonymous

      Hey Jana! NO, this was definitely unplanned. A complete surprise/miracle. If it had been planned, we’d have gone straight to the fertility doctor we used last time around…I’m still reeling, honestly. It baffles me how this all fell into place!

  • Anonymous

    Congratulations! What a cool surprise!

    I have a brand new nephew who was a similar surprise, born to parents who struggled through fertility treatments to give him his big brother…

    ya never know ya know…

    • Anonymous

      I have often heard of miracles like this, but just never dreamed it would happen to us! Grateful and humbled that it did, however. ;-)

  • Mindy

    Love it! My (how to get pregnant guide) would be to have a part-time writing dream job that could become more and take up exercising seriously (and even enjoy it!) for the first time in years. :0)

    With all of the effort you’ve put into exercising, I bet you’ll be right back into those Anthropology (jealous!) dresses in no time! I only wish I had started the exercising sooner so it could have benefited me pre-pregnancy.

    • Anonymous

      Oh but Mindy! I haven’t exercised in almost 2 months now! Ack! I think I am on the verge of getting some energy back and thought I’d start walking with little hand weights…But I’m soooo out of shape. Dreading it!

  • Ilana @ Mommy Shorts

    Congratulations! I thought you said something that hinted at it a few weeks ago. Surprises are the best, aren’t they?

    • Anonymous

      Oh yes, I’ve hinted a few times, and spilled the news on someone else’s blog. That was fun. Now I just need to figure out how the hell I’m gonna do this thing.

  • Terri Sonoda

    Ha! Love it. So glad your ‘recipe’ worked. Or lack thereof. Whichever. Yeah!!!!

    • Anonymous

      Definitely lack thereof, Terri. Funny the way things happen. ;-)

  • Amy

    Love love love this. And that is exactly the recipe my husband and I used 23 years ago to make Max! (Except I used red wine.) Oh, and for me, the slinky dress I would never wear was midnight blue – and it was from Ann Taylor.

    • Anonymous

      Oh, I love Ann Taylor, too. I am still on the fence about returning the dress. If I can never fit back into it, I’ll be depressed. It will stare at me from the corner of my closet with its tags still on.

  • Anonymous

    Well geesh Erin have you never heard a mother say OF course I get rid of all the baby stuff and maternity things cause we are done and now I am pregnant again. That was asking for it right there darling.. In the future retain a few small baby items, and at least one maternity outfit. Unless of course you want more after this one then by all means get rid of all that stuff again. Thumb your nose at Mother Nature and Murphy’s law..

    • Anonymous

      Does this still apply if I get my tubes tied when little red bean is born?!!

  • Tulpen Elefanten


    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Tulpster! ;-)

  • Leiah

    Congratulations ~ what an amazing way to begin Spring!

    • Anonymous

      Thank you! ;-)

  • Ally

    L-O-L! Because of your surprise, I now live in constant paranoia that my husband’s vasectomy didn’t REALLY work and I will wake up to find myself pregnant some day. ha ha

    • Anonymous

      Now that would be a REAL miracle (though I suppose it does happen sometimes?!). I’m sure you are fine. This was total user error on my part. But who knew? I mean, I was infertile.

  • Varunner7

    It’ll all be good. And you know that dress will fit for summer 2012. Congratulations! :-)

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for your vote of confidence, Lisa! xoxoxo

  • Anonymous

    Your belly is going to be way hot. You don need no stinking dress for that

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know where you get off thinking this way. I am skeered. I am going to be ginormous.

  • Christi

    I am SO happy for you…even though things weren’t planned. Sometimes, the best things never are!!! ;-D

    • Anonymous

      Agreed! This was a total miracle—and now I believe!

  • Jayme

    I know I have already told you this but I am so excited for you!! Obviously the universe had other plans for you!! You are going to be a super hot prego!!

    • Anonymous

      Oh Jayme, you flatter me! We’ll see about the “super hot” part. I certainly don’t feel that way now. Snort!

  • Mads Mom

    Girl, you SO can rock the sun dress. Come over to my place and see me make a fool of myself by dressing from the junior’s department.
    I am SO excited for you.

    • Anonymous

      You kn ow what’s funny? Hubs bought me a pretty sundress/maxi dress over the weekend. I haven’t tried it on yet, but it looks comfy! The one from Anthro? Is small. and it has a zipper. #notgood.

  • By Word of Mouth Musings

    This probably falls into the God laughs while you are making plans category …
    but am SO thrilled for you … and think of all that writing material!

    • Anonymous

      Definitely! I won’t be returning to “mommy blogger” status, but I do think it will help the creative juices a bit….at least once I can get past being so freakin’ tired!

  • Kate

    So, so awesome. Oh, and: Missed pills, schmissed schmills. I’m thinking it was the goat cheese.

    • Anonymous

      Ha ha! Oh well. Even if it was? I’m a firm believer in everything in moderation. I couldn’t stay completely away from goat cheese, caesar salad, etc. if my life depended on it! (damn pregnancy cravings)

  • Jessica

    Hysterical. I could relate to every word. In my case I would have added, “Watch as your friends look at their spouse sideways and get pregnant. Wallow in your own self pity.”

    • Anonymous

      ROFLMAO. I could’ve added that one, too.

  • Liz

    I swear the biggest life events seem to happen when you least expect it! This list is so funny! And you know what? I have given away all my stuff and my mom told me not to because she said THAT nearly guarantees another baby. :)

    • Anonymous

      Sheesh! Why didn’t you tell me that 5 years ago, then? LOL. I assumed once an infertile, always an infertile! ;-)

  • jessica

    This is perfect, our “surprise” happened almost the same way. The sundress will be great for next summer. So happy for you!

    • Anonymous

      I hope you’re right, Jessica! I’ve heard it’s much harder to lose baby weight w/ subsequent pregnancies, so I’m a little nervous…. ;-)

  • Ashatshades

    I’m so stinkin’ excited for you I could bust. Can’t wait to meet the Little Miracle. I do have to say though, you have me worrying somewhat about my tied tubes.

    • Anonymous

      LOL! I will be getting my tubes tied when the bean arrives. I don’t think you need to worry. This was clearly a case of user error (w/ the pill) combined w/ the assumption that once infertile, always infertile!

  • Brian C

    Life is fun like that, it’s always full of fascinating surprises. Some of which come at the times you least expect, but often bring you so much joy. Congrats and best of luck.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Brian. This was definitely a surprise—but also a miracle. We’re thrilled!

  • Jade @ No Longer 25

    Wow, so excited for you! I didn’t realise that you were actually pregnant until I read the comments. Congratulations!!

    • Anonymous

      Yes, this is our little miracle/surprise! Thank you!

  • Nancy C

    So stinking cool. I am so happy about your cupcake-loving little red bean. This is just proof that this little person will be on this earth to do something amazing. XOXO

    • Anonymous

      Eh, don’t get yer hopes up! LOL

  • Kir

    such a great post and of course it all happened like that…my personal theory is that even though there was depression mixed in, I think that your life has been centered, maybe the happiest it’s been in a while and this is just a validation of that. I couldn’t be happier for you.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Kirsten. I definitely feel more centered, but also more nervous! I feel so out of the “mom to little ones” loop! I’m rusty and worried I won’t remember how to do things.

      • Kir

        well you’re bananas! (in a good way) because you’ll be just fine. You’re one of the best moms I know. It’s just like riding a bike (or rollercoaster) and I know that you’ll be fantastic at it. ;)

  • Themommyologist

    You got preggo on the pill? OMG I’m never having sex again.

    • Anonymous

      I know, Mary! It’s so funny how all of this panned out. Maybe you need a Mom Sexy Pregnancy series. LOL!

  • amandamagee

    I always liked wearing swim suits better when pregnant. I was so much more in awe of my body that the mean voice slipped away.

    • Anonymous

      I know what you mean. And I’ll be ready to show off the bump this summer! Now where can I find cute preggo suits? ;-)

  • Sherri

    I loved this! I tried to comment from work yesterday, but Disqus is blocked…grrr! So I can read you, but not comment.

    And keep that sundress….you’ll be back in it before you know it!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the vote of confidence on the sundress….I’m not too optimistic since this is my 2nd pregnancy and the first one was twins…my poor belly. LOL!

  • Diana

    Then there’s the after pregnancy infertile guide where you keep fearing you got knocked up again because that cheeseburger gave you heartburn! :)

    • Anonymous

      OMG! Hadn’t thought of that—great, something else to worry about.

      • Diana

        Ha. I pees on an opk just in case even though I’m still nursing him like
        crazy and felt much better when nary a hint of a line showed up for the lh

  • Patty

    Congratulations! I didn’t realize you were expecting! I’m so happy for you! :) YAY!

  • d, the undomestic housewife

    Aww.. congratulations! That is wonderful for you and your family! :) A little scary for the rest of us who rely on our birth control, but whatever, haha. :)

  • Anonymous

    I’m so happy for you and your precious little bean :)

    I’m the opposite, wham bam thank you mam for the 1st 4 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage in there and now months upon months of trying and nothing…

    Maybe I should get rid of the baby stuff.

  • Carrie @ Tiki Tiki Blog!

    Congratulations! I love reading these stories — as a former infertile myself! Though, I would be crying it if were me….But, congratulations! It all happens for a fabulously good reason.
    And man, think of the writing material.

  • Sarah, The Crazy Baby Mama

    ERIN, as always, you blend humor with poignancy. Even in a quickie guide. I love this. And I love YOU and am SO happy for you.

  • Anonymous

    How exciting. Congratulations on your newest miracle.

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